Yeah... my blogger app on my phone won't let me post anything... so I am on the site of blogger on my phone not being able to see what I am typing oh ! Now I can because it's a new..... I can't see again I was going to say a new sentence... and now I can see. Blogger, google you suck! So I am not being anti social... I am just trying to figure out how to update this thing.... I really can't believe dbt finishes for me in December.... Christmas is coming fast.. people don't know it. But we have been saving for Christmas... I have money and religiously (what does that even mean in this context) have put money away into it and well Christmas is sorted... just need to buy the presents... I have people in mind. I want to buy presents to show people I care and think of them. I hate when people refuse a present it's now about me it's about you. I do it to show I care... or the old fake line you shouldn't have.. no one ever means that you are happy you got a present. But you shouldn't be happy you got a present you should be happy that the person thought about you.. another reason I hate when people use money as a gift. No thought just a rush... I hate money by the way. Imagine a world without it. I dislike how people get so drunk at Christmas. Next time you go to the the shops look into people's basket or trolleys it's just booze booze booze. Oh well. I just like seeing people happy... I'm thinking of giving up drinking. People say you have to love yourself but how is getting so drunk loving your self? Or even a drop to feel merry? You get a buzz and aren't true to yourself. Maybe I should have a drink at Christmas and special events.. just to show others I care.. it breaks the awkward silence too... that's a good thing... driving is coming along well... I'm starting round abouts next week. Getting passports in January should be fun fun fun.. going to go now. Bye
Forgive me for not being on my blogger for so long. The app I use on my iPhone keeps crashing and well I wanted to make a memory of today's events and look back on them as why I joined blogger in the first place LOL!
Anyway I went with Kim to her appointment. She is on the path to being where she wants to be. Which I will fully support her on that. Of course I will. We then went to a relaxation group and were doing mindfulness and meditation. This was Kim's first meditation and she said she enjoyed it. So I was happy for her to feel calm and at ease and also feel good about herself. I told her 'can you see why a do it now?!'
So we had a day ticket and could travel all around the lothians with this ticket so we did. I was talking to her and telling her she done well in the relaxation group. She said you must be so used to it with your dbt. And this random girl sitting near us asked if I was in dbt and had EUMD (BPD to you lovely North Americans) I answered her questions and tried to give her the best advice I could. I said stuff like "listen it will be hard you will want to give up and walk away but just keep paying attention keep doing your work, keep listening and be honest. Don't lie about anything in group and I promise you it will just click... " it did for me. She told me she is a new mum and is scared I tried my best to calm her and shook her hand.... I feel so lucky to have came through dbt ... I've done well. I end it on the 15th of Dec.... and see my one to one worker weekly then monthly .. and that's it... of course I'm scared of course I will cry.. but the thing is dbt was never to make friends or chat or whatever.. it was to make me better.. it has that only purpose and I've done it I am much better... I'm scared of slipping into old ways. It's natural. It would be weird if I wasn't... I'm just staying in the present .... don't think of my past learn from it.. the future? How can I focus on my future if I'm not focusing on the present to build towards it?
" I want happiness" remove I that is ego, remove want that's desire... happiness is free now"
I should really update this thing more often but this was just a wee post take remind ma self that I done something nice today. I felt good after words I could see the fear in her eyes... I had that fear but I was just honest to her. I didn't catch her name but I wish her all the luck in the world with her little family and her own path. Good luck buddie.. who knows I might see you when I leave in Dec :)
Blah blah blah
Night
Fuckers.
Ps sold my Xbox for £85 on eBay when in person a store was gonna offer me £35 for it all
Wanting to go on holiday with Kim, flights are £130 (good) train is £30 all together (amazing) but hotel is like £600?! What the hell?! How can they do that? I bet when we actually arrive the prices will be lower.. They are wanting 85 a night...... In Edinburgh you get bed and breakfasts for like 25 a night... How can they justify that? This place is amazing but it's not a capital.... Then there's spending money, say £500/£600 and this place isn't even warm LOL! Oh well it will be a journey. Obviously keeping tight lipt about where it is.... (Haha kimmi you won't find out;) ) anyway good morning everyone it's 6 am and I have DBT and I'm excited. Well not really.... Haven't been meditating for ages now. I get guilty at myself... Kims away visiting her mum and dad in Ayrshire. I almost killed myself last night.... You see I have had the windows open because of the heat... So a nice big daddy long legs comes flying in and starts attacking my light bulb.... I spray it with spray killer. Sprayed far too fucking much. Couldn't breathe had to run out that room . Anyway I got a pillow and breathed into that over my nose and mouth and opened the living room window wider with the lights off... So I woke up had a nice dream about traveling and thought I would google prices on it.., trivago is a lot of shite.. Maybe we can just go. For three days instead of seven... Hmmm... But that's no fun. Three days isnae long enough. Fuck it il do it. I've always wanted to go there anyway :)
By the way. I have. Bone to pick with DBT. I've been told not to be judgemental and ignorant so I was speaking to someone two nights ago.. I can't really say too much info but basically he was being ignorant of other people's skills and I told him to stop being so judgemental and ignorant of other people. There are always going to be people higher then you. And you'll always be higher then some people. Like my mental health for example. It's bad at times we'll certainly improved over the years. And I can be bad at times (no ones perfect) but there will be someone out there with the same conditions as me but they could be one hundred times worse. Judging is so easy. I hate
Myself for judging too much. I mean we all judge but sometimes we do it too much don't we. I used to be really bad with judgements... Like oh my god... Anyway I need a hot shower and warm cup of coffee I hope my milk is in date. Fuck if it isn't. Have a nice day have a picture
So here is the deal, you do not have to have an interest in football to find this story interesting. you just have to believe in Faith. the 21st of May 2016 changed my life forever. Not only me but Kimmi's, My mother's life & My brothers lives. It is so hard to describe how i felt.
Well the night before i couldn't sleep, I wasn't nervous but excited but yet a sense of calmness came over me, i was not confident because if you have read my previous post, my team Hibernian had not won the Cup since the year 1902, 114 years, My team hibs for short had been in ten previous cup finals and had lost them all. they are one of the biggest clubs in Scotland, Winning the league in the 50's beating european 'BIG' teams, Winning the league cup, a smaller cup to the Scottish Cup...
To tell you this story you need to listen to Hibernian's roots, Hibs were created to bridge the gap between the Scottish and Irish, The irish came over to Edinburgh for a better life, they were starving and cold, they had no food, there was a place in Edinburgh Called The Cowgate, Little Ireland for short because so Many irish had stayed there, Including my own family when they first came to Scotland. So Hibernian (the roman name for Ireland) were formed in the year 1875. Folowing the years due to Hibernians irish herritage a local gypsy was NOT happy when the club decided to remove the Harp from the main stand and said "You will never win the Scottish cup ever again until the harp is restored on the main stand" she was angry because she felt we had turned our back on our heritage, down the years hibs have changed there badge, from a harp to a crown to a weird booze badge and to our current badge, the harp,ship and castle, the badge was placed on the main stand a few months before may the 21st, and look what happened....
So i have been to the last Scottish Cup final against a team called Celtic (selltick) we lost 3-0... not a good day, i had seen hibs lose to our arch rivals in the scottish cup final 5-1 ... again not a good day... but this time, i did not even think of the harp back on the stand, hibs had already bet rangers twice this season, they were nothing special.... the game
The Game, in the first three minutes hibs had scored, i don't know why but i thought it was a defender who ran and ran then scored.... i was just praying we could hold on and then... Rangers Scored to make it 1-1... well if we can go to penaltys who knows i remember thinking.... then they scored again, a wonder goal. I held kims hand as soon as it went in, sad, down, angry...I thought same old, same old, pay £50 for tickets and £40 train fair and fan stuff... kim told me when the second goal went in she thought about telling me i am not going to bother ever coming to the games again... then out of no where we got a corner, we scored ?! holy shit it is the defender again LOL? no it wasn't but i remember when the corner was taken, i prayed to my grandad " Please grandad, please just one goal, please" we had scored it was 2-2!!!!
Then in the last couple of minutes in the game BOOM, 114 years of pain, hurt, sadness, anger had just vanished.... gone, my grand parents were not even alive to see it, people had been living for 100 years and had not seen it... i remember we got the corner and thought again " Right grandad, i know i asked before, please, i will never pray asking for anything ever again, please just let this go in" it went in!!! I fell to my knees, i was crying, i was shaking, i could not believe what i had seen, all those years getting kicked in the balls, getting made fun off... i couldn't believe it... we had won
Then about 5 thousand hibs fan invaded the pitch with pure glee, kissing the ground, stealing the pitch turf... this is something i will never feel again, something kim said and i qoute" Im not even a football fan but what i felt nothing can ever compare to it" hibs could win the cup next year and it would be great but it would be nothing compared to winning it for the first time in 114 years....
I will post a few videos, enjoy them,
"Hibs have won the scottish cup"
POV from the Rangers end of the hibs fans going CRAZY! (favourite video)
It wasn't just a game of football, it was more then that, it was pure happiness........
In the middle of watching the movie 30 days of night... Because I like Alaska and cold country. I hate warm country. I swear I was an Eskimo in a past life. I love being cold. Is that weird?
Mums here, she's been here since Thursday night. So we have been drinking, smoking and laughing. Kim has really enjoyed it too... I can't stop thinking about the volunteering opertunity..
They want me to talk about my past with BPD and present. They want me to be honest, I would be the only male, which is rare since most males are in jail... Or just don't want to admit it... I could be an inspiration to help people. I could make a difference if I played this well... I would be so proud of myself... But I am scared, what if I fuck up? I'm not going to avoid this though..
I feel guilty because I haven't meditated in two weeks, I've been very judgemental towards myself. Nasty, not been kind to myself, it's good I'm recognising those bad feelings though...
I got my optigrill and by god it's amazing
It makes the best toasties ever. It cooks fish and meat from frozen too!
I've also been thinking. I want to skydive. Nah I really do, I want to try it but I want to make a go fund me to raise money for my sweet little Mila-Moo's condition. A lot of family's don't have the money to travel to England or afford the therapy for this.. I just want to do my bit for Mila but for her charity... I'm her uncle and I want to be a good uncle to her. So I'm going to look into it. I would honestly do it. I'd record it with a go pro or something. Would you support me?
Not going to lie to you blogger times are hard right now, money is low, tensions are high, depression is kicking in... Times are hard, I have support but ... Yeah.. But it's just one of those days where you feel sad... I wish I could talk about it more but yeah.. I'm not really wanting too? If I want to write down how I feel I write a note in my notes on my phone....
So, I am going to quick learning course to improve my English and maths. That's Monday and have a meeting to arrange that with Neil... Then I look towards college while volunteering.. Should be fu. Right?
I'm busy and my avoidance and judgementalness is getting pissed off at me being so busy and not feeling sorry for myself!
I keep a lot of shit to myself, apart from Kim I tell her everything. She's my woman. Anyway let's wrap it up fi here a dinni wantae gab in inglis.. Bahye
So I'm sitting in my kitchen smoking a fag, oh the joy... I saw Joanne today, I have two moduals of DBT left. About 16 weeks to go and it will be a whole year of DBT.
Scary, I've came a long way but I still don't feel 100% fixed. I feel about 60 or 70. I am mindful of my emotions more, I try less to judge and try to think in wise mind. I think a lot more before I say stuff. I am more compassionate and understanding and truth is I feel better but fixed? No, I will never be fixed no one can be fixed. In life you have to be aware of how you are feeling and deal with your problems in healthy ways. Advice on relationships, friendships personal problems is great. It's good to talk I'm not saying bottle up your feelings but YOU are your adviser. You would go to a shop and ask the best way to wipe your ass
Okay bad example but you all know what I mean. Truth is I keep searching for this magical answer. I am Steven Perry I have these problems that problems. But maybe the problems I have had have been drifting into something bigger then I thought and that's scary.
It's okay to feel anxious or scared, one thing I have learned is to look at the facts of a situation before flying off the handle . Feeling those feelings are how we evolved and grew as human beings. It's okay to feel them. But we must understand that only us, can change. If you want it badly please do not depend on others to do your dirty work.
I am mindful of my past, I am mindful of my present and I am mindful of my future. I feel bad for my past, I feel anxious for my future. But my present? I just feel mindful and positive.
People and avoiding are a weakness of mine. The 'new' Steven is scared to et close. I can talk the talk and be old Stevie boy, the joker, the clown, but it's scary to get involved. I have tried being mindful of these feelings but hey, that's the thing meeting new people, going new places is scary. I have avoided meeting my brother for coffee, to talk about our situation. But do I need to talk about it? He might dislike me at times but that is the past not the present. If he dislikes me I can't change his opinion. I know a room full of people who dislike me, not everyone will like you in life, because of the worst and stupidest things. But I try to be mindful of that. Worrying and remembering the past won't help you move forward.
Imagine a world where no human was scared of their past? How dull would that be. A few people would die huh?
I've been in a relationship with Kim for four years now, four houses, three city's, two pets and one bedroom flat. That's scary, what's even more scary is even though I love her, committing to one person, committing to one career, committing to whatever is scary and but enjoyable...
I don't want to let anyone down, but again, the past is creeping up and well I know I say it a lot but I am mindful of that.
The reason for this post is because I want to remind myself I am trying, even if I feel down sometimes I look at the facts and ask why am I? I know why I am today. But some days I won't know why and that's okay. Sometimes I will feel happy and sing in the street and won't know why... Life is life, life is truly how you make it.
I'm not going to college, but I am staring it at a later date insead, it was a choice you see. Throw away DBT that I've been doing for six month and have another four months of. Or go to college and miss my DBT group on a Thursday. I told the college about this and they said I can start new from January. I'm also going to be volunteering soon, I went to an evang on Tuesday with Kim. They are looking for people with borderline personality disorder to help them kill the stigma and looking for people who know people with the illness. So me and Kim fit right in.
Why am I doing this? Because it's a good use of time, there are people that need help and it can be helpful for me to continue growing... So yeah I'm excited for that. Also excited for college, my life is going well and it's all down to me
Almost finished DBT and learned from it.
Going to college in January.
Learning to drive
My own flat
Long term relationship of four years
Became more mindful and spiritual.
Better relationship with my family
I see my niece often.
I have things going for me. I'm not sad really... If anything I'm strong, strong for the ones I need to be strong for.
He walked outside not sure of alive, he went on walking with fear by his side. He stopped in the rain to tell his tale. About his life and how he de railed. Whispers from the puddles and screaming from the rails. He could tell that his life had went far from hail... Stones on going and going He walked along the busy roads feeling the cold air, feeling the the breeze and living away, following the lights to lead him above, above from the secrets burnt inside his head. You better run and tell everyone as well. I can't stall I'm
Blessed from hell. I wear a badge across my neck, I wear the truth that keeps me tick. Tock ticking tick rocking away. Keep me sane give me pills keep me calm drive me to hell. His secret came out would you like to know it. Sometimes he's just a lost boy looking for his mum. Strike that Infact I feel detached, I
Love you I hate you I need you I hear you I run from the truth like a bullet from a gun. Oh fuck it's getting serious this time and not even peace can calm my head a crazy little boy searching for his cell. The one nearest the living fucking hell. But he woke up. He wakes! He wakes inside his head. Was it his mis dealings that left him for dead. Bury me, change me, love me, hate you. Fuck you! I don't even know the story of the rain, when it crashes down near my flame. I feel the power of love, I hear my muse sing down from above. I can not run and I accept the past but please try and understand I can make it as a man. I'm worth more then you know and something will show... Tick tick tock... Feel me at ease I love to please. But confrontation is something so hard. I hate it I run away. I run away. I run away. You got your opinions on me but who knows maybe I'm the one who is truly free because in the past I didn't know. That 666 was for a group show. I gotta give up this hell. But it's so fun to follow these shadows down a living hole, down a living hell. I'm so happy yay! I feel sorrow as well. I'm so happy with life kinda sad but true who's knows .. Soon I could be like, um.. You?
****
My writings are to bet negativity out, to mindfully accept them. To notice they are there. You can't change having bad and good thoughts, it's okay to feel sad and happy. Sometimes we need to take our sadness out in lyrics, even happiness... This isn't a creative write by the way. I'm just trying to let you know I was sad when I wrote this but now happy because I fully accept that I was sad. Now I can listen to the rain with my candle.. Window open... And go to DBT at 9:50.
Good night blog
Love to all my followers
Even to the fuckers.
Another reason to be happy I get to see her today
I always buy her white chocolate buttons... I don't want her always eating them though.. Maybe I should buy her something else.. Milk chocolate buttons? I see Mila every Thursday and Friday now when she goes to spend time with granny (my mum..) she brings so much light to the dark sky's.. She's amazing..
So this photo was taken a few weeks ago at my brothers house. He, my sister in law and Mila were just relaxing in the house. And they get a knock on the door...
Who was it?!
The bloody first minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon and an MP asking if they would vote for the Scottish National Party (the one I love and want indepdence of course) so Andrew said of course, he votes SNP anyway, and they came on and donates money to Andrews marathon he's doing to raise money for the Brittle Bones Society, Mila has new fans and support for her condition.
If you want to donate aswell to help family's get support and payment made for them please go to https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Andrew-Perry12 please read his story and Mila's please give as much as you can. The money does not go to Andrew or my family or even Mila it go's straight to the brittle bone society please visit www.brittlebone.org for more details.
My blog posts yesterday were my OPINION. They were NOT facts. So if anyone plays the kind of games I did not like please don't get annoyed. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or boring. Some people like cola some people prefer Pepsi... I am just one of those idiots that prefer Pepsi.... I actually do lol... I guess I was just frustraighted? If I like the look of a game. And the story line... I will give it a chance. I saw a good game called watch dogs.. That interested me.... So yeah.. Bye !!!
So I'm on a mission to find a video game that interests me, but most of the games out today just... I don't know are too good graphically... And well it bores me... My favourite game ever is crash bandicoot. I loved the game.... I normally play Fifa and have played black ops 2 and I liked the zombie mode and at times multiplayer... However the story mode,m.. It's like it's a boring action film... Action films don't interest me... I also hate med evil set time like Robin Hood which is boring... I don't know I already find it hard to concentrait on things... I would love to read books and be into video games... I just can't and I don't know why... I have an Xbox 360 I just play Fifa... It makes me upset at myself.... I guess it is all about trying new things... Asking people what they would recommend.... Ever wished you could just get interested in stuff... It's not even that I'm not motivated I am on game.co.uk and looking through the games list for Xbox and some of the stuff is just crap... Why are shooter games ten a penny... Whatever happend to spyro? Crash? I miss crash... Shooters are great but far too many. Or zombie games.... So many zombie games.... I just wish I could be interested. Keep concentraited... Feel gript.. Have fun playing games... Even Fifa is hard because I've been playing it all my life (seriously I have ) and well I want a game that has exploring, that is out of the box, magic and well fun. Not some boring cia agent gone bad because he didn't get his favourite cup of coffee and his bit on the side left him for a Muslim and all the cia agents are out to get him unless he returns their special gun... Wtf, I just created a best seller lol
So yesterday was my 25th birthday. I'm half way to 50 years old, holy fuck...... It was a special day. I have to admit I never expected it to go so well.
The day began with me getting a big bag of presents. I got my favourite stuff from Kimmi, my favourite chips, booze, chocolate, and a band t shirt and cd. She spent a bit of money on me which I feel bad lol
We then went to a Korean restaurant and we had a Korean bbq and you got to bbq it yourself!!!! How cool is that?
It was so cool. My friend wilfred suggested to get the bbq (he is Korean) so I did.
My dad gave me money in a card so I'm getting new shoes and jeans. I got a lovely blogpost and message from my bestie. I really felt cared for this birthday. Everyone made an effort. I love them all.
I'm a fan of Rick and morty the tv show and Kimmi's brother and his girlfriend drew me a picture how cool is it?
So here we go...
Thank you Dad, Kimmi, Joanna, Shannon, Sean for making my day special.
The United Kingdom has left Europe. Scotland tried to save it. Yellow means remain in Europe and blue means leave Europe. The whole of Scotland voted to remain
I am very very worried.
But whatever fucking England wants we get. Scotland's leader said "if the Scottish people vote to remain and are taken out of Europe against their will it will trigger another referendum"
Plus I don't fancy having to have a visa to visit Europe.... Stay!!!!!
But as normal I garentee if we leave it will be like this...
Scotland votes to stay and England votes to leave.... So we will leave. God I hope not. I love Europe. I love European nations. I've been to Germany, Sweden and Greace and the people there were so nice. My best friend is from another eu nation... No way man, stay. United as one.
I am now an official college student. I'm about to accept and that's it. My birthday is in two weeks (July 1st) and what a birthday present....
So what are my plans? well improve my grades, then decide what course after this I want to take... It only took me nine years but now I can say, I am a college student; happy early birthday to me woo! I couldn't have done it without Kimmi urging me on or DBT. I still have a lot to learn with DBT but it's changed my life.
I was once told by a person I will name nameless
"Steven, you can't go to college, what? Yes I can, I can and I want to. I know Steven but it would be too difficult for you, what? Are you sure you're not getting mixed up with university? No just leave it, it would be too difficult for you, you would get laughed at."
This was when I was 16, this was straight out of school when I was getting bullied to hell... No wonder it took me only nine years.
This is the lyrics from the song I adopted for the song I listen to after DBT each session and I feel fantastic and believe in myself to get better and make progress and it works a treat. The song is called all together now by the farm give it a listen if you can?
Remember boy that your forefathers died
Lost in millions for a country's pride
But they never mention the trenches of Belgium
When they stopped fighting and they were one
A spirit stronger than war was at work that night
December 1914 cold, clear and bright
Countries' borders were right out of sight
When they joined together and decided not to fight
All together now
All together now
All together now
In no man's land, together
All together now
All together now
All together now
In no man's land, together
The same old story again
All those tears shed in vain
Nothing learnt and nothing gained
Only hope remains
All together now
All together now
All together now
In no man's land, together
All together now
All together now
All together now
In no man's land, together
All together now
All together now
All together now
In no man's land, together
Wednesday, 15 June 2016
My heart was broken, my heart was broken
Sorrow Sorrow Sorrow Sorrow
My heart was broken, my heart was broken
You saw it, You claimed it
You touched it, You saved it
My tears are drying, my tears are drying
Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you
My tears are drying, my tears are drying
Your beauty and kindness
Made tears clear my blindness
While I'm worth my room on this earth
I will be with you
While the Chief, puts sunshine on Leith
I'll thank Him for His work
And your birth and my birth.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
My heart was broken, my heart was broken
Sorrow Sorrow Sorrow Sorrow
My heart was broken, my heart was broken
You saw it, You claimed it
You touched it, You saved it
While I'm worth my room on this earth
I will be with you
While the Chief, puts sunshine on Leith
I'll thank Him for His work
And your birth and my birth.
But I have an interview for college today. Yes that's right I'm going to try to go to college. The course I'm studying? Adult learning into education. I'm going to get education under my belt sharpen up and see what courses I like the idea of....
I have to say, this wouldn't have been possible without me in DBT. It's opened me up and gave me so much help. Not going to college, running away, hurting people is apart of my avoidant behaviour... So I'm using opposite action... So I have an appointment with Joanne at 10am then my appointment with college is at two... I need to get a train... It's fine though it's only ten minutes...
Kim told me to make her proud. I will, wish me luck?
The day was the 21st of May 2016. It was Cup final day, I support a team Called Hibernian FC from Edinburgh in Scotland and we are not the most successful team in Scotland but we have a big fan base. we have supporters from all around Scotland and the world too. I have been to Three Cup finals with Hibs before Saturday, we had all lost them both, two of them we were the favorites and one well we were playing the champions a team called Glasgow Celtic. The reason I joined this site was because i wanted to document moments in my life i could look back on and remember.
Well lets just say that this day will always be remembered for me. The thing is, even if you have no interest in football, you have to Admire this story because it is heart warming. so please, will you just read my little blog post and view the videos and pictures i have posted. it would mean a lot to me aswell if you tell me what you have thought of this post, truthfully:)
Okay, so Hibernian FC have not won the Scottish cup since 1902. 114 years, the hoover was not even invented, The titanic was 10 years away from sailing. I dont think toilets were even available for everyone only the rich ... My team hibernian took the name from the LATIN word for IRELAND, Hibernia. Hibernianwere formed by Irish immigrants living in Edinburgh getting racist abuse towards them. they had no homes or food and wanted to start a new life in Scotland. They created a football team called Hibernians FC (we actually changed are name because we went bankrupt, but thats a different story... ) we wanted to bridge the gap in the hatred the Irish men Received in Scotland, so we thought, why not make a football team and call them Hibernians,.... Hibernian FC have played in 10 previous Scottish cup finals where some we were expected to win, and some losing, badly...
On saturday, i had experianced something that i had never felt before, something that could not be bought, something that was more then happiness, i felt that i was free. that i could cry with happiness and i did, i cried and cried like a little girl in a dress who lost her favourite toy, I cried for my team because ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTEEN YEARS has came to a HALT! we WON THE CUP!!!!!!
So how do i put this in to words? i know it sounds so cliche, but it felt like a dream, everything was in slow motion, it felt like a mistake, that it was not meant to happen, that i had no right to be happy and celebrate that the odds were against us... that it was a dream, shock, confusion but happiness, scary happiness.. i have never felt a feeling like this before, i have stuck through hibs all my life, going to games in the rain, in the cold, going without food or expensive stuff just so i can get a ticket to see my heros. i watch them because it makes me happy.... its a sense of we are all in this together, we have been kicked in the teeth so many times with putting our hope in Hibernian to be let down in a final or a semi final, but today was different and it was a feeling i will never ever feel again in my lifetime, i am so lucky because people have lived for 90/100 years watching hibs and supporting them and have never seen this happen, it is actual history and i know for a fact newspapers and news stations are reporting this all around the world. i was there, i was part of 20 thousand hibs fans....
When we were losing 2-1 we got a corner kick, i was holding Kimmi's hand, i looked up to the sky, my exact words were " Please Grandad, Please, God, just let this go in, please make hibs (short name for Hibernian) Score," and they did. i went so crazy it was unbelievable. but it was not finished there,
In the 92nd minute of the game with 4 minutes of extra time played. we got a corner, I tried my luck again " Please grandad, i know i asked before, but please again, i will never ask for a favour again, please, just please" ........
We scored in the last minute and i fell to my knees so hard i have the black bruising to prove it, i was in shock, my mouth was wide open, i cried, i looked at the man behind me, he looked at me, we both gave a look, holy fuck "we could win this" i held kims hand as tight as i could, the final whistle went, it was like another goal all over again, we ended the curse, the curse of removing the harp from our stadium an Irish gypsy said we would never win the Scottish cup again unless it was put back on
This time last year we put our badge on the stand again, (which has a harp in it) and the curse has been lifted. I know it sounds crazy, a bit fucked up, but 10 cup finals, ten Scottish cup finals, not different cups and we had lost them all.... you be the judge
I know it is a big ask, for you to watch this video if you do not like football, but i want you to see the passion and love we have for our team Hibernian (who play in Green)
"Our anthem"
We celebrated by singing our anthem Sunshine on Leith,
Now Kim never used to like football, but when she heard Sunshine on Leith she thought it was so beautiful, and seeing hibs fans sing this and the amount of hibs fans singing it is beautiful.
take a look if you want to see something beautiful.
The passion ...
Finally,
Sunday came and we had our parade through Edinburgh city centre, !50 thousand people turned out to see our heros. it was a lovely day and lets just say i got so drunk, i was shaking the day after, i sang in a pub with strangers, i hugged random men and for the first time ever I wasn't scared or intimidated of Males, i felt at ease knowing, they feel just like me, happy... here are a few clips of the Parade and fans celebrating outside..... women, children, men familys all together...
The party has been going on since Saturday and I am not even Joking, Actually We are going to the town on saturday to celebrate outside again, if not just go to the hibs pubs and celebrate... best thing is, we have all summer to celebrate, 114 years is gone, we done it!!
One fans reaction to winning the cup, notice when we won we ran on to the pitch, we just couldn't hold it in, we had to, We have always been the laugh and jokes of people "Oh 114 years, you can't do it, haha when will you win it," we done it, we FUCKING DONE IT!!!!!!!
Finally... The view from the press box of the winning goal....
Hibernian FC Scottish Cup Winners 2015/2016
*My own personal pictures and videos to come VERY SOON*
We won!!!!!!!! My team Hibernian FC ended a 114 wait to lift the Scottish cup yesterday. We won 3-2 and there was a big pitch invasion where all the fans ran on the pitch to celebrate. I was crying, I couldn't stop singing and lost my voice. There is a parade today with the cup and the players across the streets of Edinburgh, I will update more soon but right now I'm outside a cafe having a Scottish breakfast and have £50 to spend on drinks to celebrate with Kim, couldn't be more happy it's like a dream! Update more info soon ! Glory glory to the hibees!!!!!
So in bed now with Kim, and she was doing her work and I was doing mine... I have group tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it.. It's funny but two weeks ago at group there was a woman named (I'm not allowed to tell the names of anyone who goes to group, sorry it's the rules) and she was really nice and she would talk about her problems and how her girlfriend was supportive of her and she was just a nice person. And I felt so sad when she left. I wonder if anyone from group will feel sad when I leave?
It's funny I met someone from my past in town a few weeks ago.. And he was due to go to the group but had told me he refused... I tried encouraging him but he wasn't ready yet.. You need to be ready I guess.
So on Friday another driving lesson, I almost crashed two weeks ago... I was really nervous.. So I'm going to be practising my meditation before hand, it starts at five pm so plenty of time. I guess since I was around school children in the street it didn't help. Shouting and screaming and oddly chucking chips at seagulls...
Then Saturday it's the final... Me and Kimmi will get the train to Glasgow... I was going to get a season ticket but £400 is a lot of money I would rather use it for driving lessons, I desperately want to drive. I have this dream of driving across Europe... Scotland first with the Highlands and Islands.... I really want to visit Orkney. They belonged to Norway, did you know that? Was given to Scotland as a present... They sound weird... They are very far from Scotland o think they are closer to stavenger which is Norway... Anyway I'm going to sleep now
I wanted to update my blog. Even though I doubt anyone reads if, I never check the stats don't know how to on my phone lol.
Well I'm off to Easter road, the home of my favourite football team Hibernian FC. To collect football tickets for Saturday's Scottish cup final Against Rangers.
This will be the second cup final in one season we have reached. The last one we lost to Ross County 2-1 and they scored in the last minute.... We were favourites..
But we are not favourites on Saturday and actually have not one this cup competition since the year 1902. We have been in 14 Scottish cup finals since and have lost every one...
There is actually urban legend going about. Let me explain, Hibernian (Hibs for short) were formed in 1875 by Irish immigrants who would get abuse from the Edinburgh locals so they created a football club called Hibernian, the Latin name for Ireland is HIBERNIA .. Any ways
The tale goes like this. We used to have an Irish harp on the stadium stand but removed it. A local Irish gypsey said unless you put it back, you will never win the Scottish cup again.... And you know what, I believe it... This year we put our badge on the stand again... That has an Irish harp on it... We also bet a team in the 4th round to reach the final and the last three teams who have previously won against this team (raith rovers) have gone on to reach the final and win the Scottish cup.. Scary no?
Why should I support Hibernian? Well I am from Edinburgh, I have lived here most of my life... Why would I not? Most people support Rangers or Celtic or an English team.. I have no interest in English football and I am not interested in Celtic or Rangers... I'm happy supporting my local team
Anyway wish us luck for Saturday! If we win I will get very fucking drunk and celebrate for two weeks straight...
Ps Jamie sent me this in the mail, it's Derek Jones (from falling in reverse) guitar pick and she drew a picture of me haha! As hey Arnold lol
Busy bee? Jesus.... Well it's Sunday and that means cleaning day.... Not the fucking day of rest.. Cleaning days I'm in a sunny Dalkeith (I hate the sun) and I'm about to start cleaning, well we actually done some last night, which was good..
My parents are going away to Malta for two weeks and guess who is coming to stay with me and Kimmi for two weeks? JAAAAAAACKY!!!
Jacks coming over, I okayed it with my
Landlord and he said it was fine the only problem he would have is if he barked, which he doesn't only when the door goes... But he does have bad bad bad seperstion anixty, he howls like a wolf when I go outside crying for me, sweet but heartbreaking for him, so if my neighbours complain when I go to DBT, fuck you. They play there shite music constantly, which is annoying, and they're moving anyway so who cares.. I
Would let them know but I don't speak polish, seriously they speak shit English and are rude... I could tell you guys some storys....
Anyway I'm looking forward to Jack coming round, it will be nice to be around animals, since our two boys died it's felt so lonely in the house, I hate it. I've always been brought up with pets. I've always been around dogs.
I need animals in my life. They make me happy, it's not our job to bully a dog or putting off changing the hay for the hamster cage for an extra week or get a cat shit cat food and give them no water, it's our job as humans to look after animals. We need to respect them.
Also I have another driving lesson on Tuesday. I had a dream I stole my dads van last night, and was driving, that was fun...
Dreams; what are they? Not the dreams you have when you fall asleep, but the wishes you have for the future, why do we put so much importance of getting to where we want to be in two years time.
My dreams are not over the top in getting there, I don't want to be a millionaire or even have the best job in the world, I don't want to have fast cars or a swimming pool, I don't even want a list of friends that comes from Edinburgh to Melbourne. I don't want to live in a big house with freashly cut grass on a Sunday morning sipping away at my posh coffee while reading a paper and two of my 5 kids ask me for the iPhone 20.
I would tell you what my dreams are, but they might not come true, I just have to keep hoping and wishing I can get them, It's been so long now and time is getting on, people have said walk, move, leave. But abandonment to me is a big deal.
Sometimes I feel like my life is the Truman show, everyone is watching me, at the gym, in the town, on the bus, from outside inside... I feel that well in the past I had to please certain people, I can show respect to certain people, but it's so hard when you feel they don't respect you, that they walk all over you.
Anyway, have I made a connection with dreams yet? Well yeah, to hold the key of sorrow in your back pocket when the door of hope is ahead is truly madness. Madness makes the assumption of true happiness and happiness is a dream, following the dreams? I wouldn't want to follow my dreams in the sense of being obsessed with it because if you were that obsessed to begin with there would be no need for dreams. Right?
I don't want to mask or pretend. Today is not a good day. Just "one of those days" I feel sad. But I guess it's okay to feel sad. Life can't be a party. But I do deserve to be happy. I am worthy of happiness. The past is in stone the future Spurs on.
So what now? Really what now? I keep on moving forward. I can move forward and want to move forward. I guess I'm sad because I miss Kimmi, I am lonely without her. I also miss people from my past, a lot. But things are in place for a reason and I must respect their wishes and "watch on" a root for them
I actually feel pleased to see the person I miss doing so well in life, it is comforting to know they have their happy ending and a full life a head, it actually makes me smile. I guess if they were a junkie or a sleep around I would have to say no you know what I'm not going to let you ruin your life, I know we have rules in place but I'm not letting you do this. I guess I'm just too loyal, even if I am a bit sad now and then it's okay, many happy days will come ahead, like seeing Kim on Sunday or holding Mila or my next driving lesson. I can make it through.
You know my problem was I used to and still do to a point say what's on my mind too much. Like If I went to a funeral of someone I hate I would say he or she is an arsehole. Well I would have, I'd post digs at certain people online I used to do that. I found my old Facebook and the way I used to speak and act like I was some kind of a rockstar was crazy, I was just a silly little boy. If you are reading this from my old 'famous' Facebook I am sorry, I'm sorry for being a cunt. But that's the past. Can't change it, can't shake it and can't fuck it, well you can, fuck the past but keep the knowledge. The pain of how you felt. And the happiness.
I feel better now so I will stop writing, have a wonderful weekend
Please please take me back blogger I'm sorry that I needed space... Enough of that! Hi blog spot you fucker? Miss me? My time out only lasted what a week? Haha well have I got news for you? It is 5-33 in the morning and I am tired and I need to be up at 9 to leave for DBT, library, doctors to get meds and take back some overly priced clothes that are well, shit?
But I came on here to address something well I've already done it, I wrote a poem of some fucked up sort, I don't know exactly why I decided to get up out of my bed and lay on my couch in the living room at this time in the morning with panellope (she's my e cig, well you think of a better fucking name?!) anyhoo I did and well I done it because i well have came a long way and I can feel myself growing as a person. It's fucked up, if my parents or friends or Kimmi doesn't text me back within five minutes I automatically assume they hate me? Mental huh, but I'm working on that and well recently thanks to DBT I have learned to question my whacky idea's that they are all going to fucking leave me. I say to that son bitch Stevie, Steven listen they could be taking a shit, well not exactly that but it's understable they are busy.... I could say a lot more but that's enough DBT talk for now
Yesterday or the day before, Tuesday.. Yes that's it I drove a car. I done my first driving lesson and guess what it was so easy, I found the bite and by my third try I got the hang of it. I made turns, had hazards (old woman with her ugly yappy dog) and well rain? I won't lie the only thing that was of concern was my eye sight. I JUST just was able to read the license plate number. So any other issues I'm going to get stronger lenses. Kimmi is visiting her family in Ayrshire and I have the house to myself. I've been recklessly watching bates motel on Netflix and it's amazing!!!! My lists to watch is continueing breaking bad, walking dead, life below zero and only fools and horses. My new thing on YouTube is to listen to fucked up haunted storys before bed and watch abandoned buildings on YouTube that's fun. Also to do list is to read up on dog training and practise my mindfulness mediation. I tried relaxing music on Spotify but I couldn't sleep because of it and my awesome poem thingy. Oh I went to the football on Tuesday night, it was cold very cold, hibs were losing so I left at halftime and got the bus to the city centre and spoke in polish to a Burger King worker.. Well I said thanks in polish and that made him a happy bee...
Probably going to take another break from blogger (sorry blogger it's not you its me, well it is you I'm amazing) lol.. Wtf? Am a talking tae Ma sel noo? (Bit of scots for you) but my next driving lesson with Gavin is on the 25th looking forward to that. My dream is to take Mila in the back of the car to the beach with Jack and travel to the highlands (where they speak Scottish Gaelic and i don't speak Scottish Gaelic by the way it's like old Norwegian or some shit) with Kimmi and camp with an open fire and midges (Google midges) biting us.. So with all that said and wrote
The future is now and you have to let go of the past. The future is in the next minute as you take a glass of cola and gulp it all down. As you look at your dirty nails holding your over expensive smart phone wondering what could have been if you set out with a smile in the morning. The past is to provide you with the tools you need in life to succeed, to learn is a gift not a trait. To love and respect the space of the followers of your values is meaningless without that respect. Picking up a leaf in the cold sky's of Autumn and planting a sead in the summer is life's true gift. Taking a photograph while screaming at the top of your lungs for hope, for kindness and for love. In the name of sanity pass not one single vanity of life's true gift. And that gift? To know ones self. Sadly, i struggle with that one. How does one define knowing one and how do you define oneselve. I used to be just like you, I used to rely on people to tell me what my dreams were.. When they were staring at me in the face... Just a happy life. To take nothing for granted. To love my family and friends and one day children. A poetic justice or a tale of peace? You decide, you fucker.
