Friday, 26 August 2016
Wednesday, 24 August 2016
Wanting to write a blog but not sure what to write.
So I'm sitting in my kitchen smoking a fag, oh the joy... I saw Joanne today, I have two moduals of DBT left. About 16 weeks to go and it will be a whole year of DBT.
Scary, I've came a long way but I still don't feel 100% fixed. I feel about 60 or 70. I am mindful of my emotions more, I try less to judge and try to think in wise mind. I think a lot more before I say stuff. I am more compassionate and understanding and truth is I feel better but fixed? No, I will never be fixed no one can be fixed. In life you have to be aware of how you are feeling and deal with your problems in healthy ways. Advice on relationships, friendships personal problems is great. It's good to talk I'm not saying bottle up your feelings but YOU are your adviser. You would go to a shop and ask the best way to wipe your ass
Okay bad example but you all know what I mean. Truth is I keep searching for this magical answer. I am Steven Perry I have these problems that problems. But maybe the problems I have had have been drifting into something bigger then I thought and that's scary.
It's okay to feel anxious or scared, one thing I have learned is to look at the facts of a situation before flying off the handle . Feeling those feelings are how we evolved and grew as human beings. It's okay to feel them. But we must understand that only us, can change. If you want it badly please do not depend on others to do your dirty work.
I am mindful of my past, I am mindful of my present and I am mindful of my future. I feel bad for my past, I feel anxious for my future. But my present? I just feel mindful and positive.
People and avoiding are a weakness of mine. The 'new' Steven is scared to et close. I can talk the talk and be old Stevie boy, the joker, the clown, but it's scary to get involved. I have tried being mindful of these feelings but hey, that's the thing meeting new people, going new places is scary. I have avoided meeting my brother for coffee, to talk about our situation. But do I need to talk about it? He might dislike me at times but that is the past not the present. If he dislikes me I can't change his opinion. I know a room full of people who dislike me, not everyone will like you in life, because of the worst and stupidest things. But I try to be mindful of that. Worrying and remembering the past won't help you move forward.
Imagine a world where no human was scared of their past? How dull would that be. A few people would die huh?
I've been in a relationship with Kim for four years now, four houses, three city's, two pets and one bedroom flat. That's scary, what's even more scary is even though I love her, committing to one person, committing to one career, committing to whatever is scary and but enjoyable...
I don't want to let anyone down, but again, the past is creeping up and well I know I say it a lot but I am mindful of that.
The reason for this post is because I want to remind myself I am trying, even if I feel down sometimes I look at the facts and ask why am I? I know why I am today. But some days I won't know why and that's okay. Sometimes I will feel happy and sing in the street and won't know why... Life is life, life is truly how you make it.
I'm not going to college, but I am staring it at a later date insead, it was a choice you see. Throw away DBT that I've been doing for six month and have another four months of. Or go to college and miss my DBT group on a Thursday. I told the college about this and they said I can start new from January. I'm also going to be volunteering soon, I went to an evang on Tuesday with Kim. They are looking for people with borderline personality disorder to help them kill the stigma and looking for people who know people with the illness. So me and Kim fit right in.
Why am I doing this? Because it's a good use of time, there are people that need help and it can be helpful for me to continue growing... So yeah I'm excited for that. Also excited for college, my life is going well and it's all down to me
Almost finished DBT and learned from it.
Going to college in January.
Learning to drive
My own flat
Long term relationship of four years
Became more mindful and spiritual.
Better relationship with my family
I see my niece often.
I have things going for me. I'm not sad really... If anything I'm strong, strong for the ones I need to be strong for.
Keep cheering me on. I'm doing good blog.
I hope you all are doing well
Remember to be mindful.
Thank you
Wednesday, 10 August 2016
Random creative writing moment number 183930
Open windows - yes
Lights off - yes
Candle burning -yes
In bed - yes
Emotions running high - err maybe?
These all come from my head, all
At once. Let's start this, fuckers
***********
He walked outside not sure of alive, he went on walking with fear by his side. He stopped in the rain to tell his tale. About his life and how he de railed. Whispers from the puddles and screaming from the rails. He could tell that his life had went far from hail... Stones on going and going He walked along the busy roads feeling the cold air, feeling the the breeze and living away, following the lights to lead him above, above from the secrets burnt inside his head. You better run and tell everyone as well. I can't stall I'm
Blessed from hell. I wear a badge across my neck, I wear the truth that keeps me tick. Tock ticking tick rocking away. Keep me sane give me pills keep me calm drive me to hell. His secret came out would you like to know it. Sometimes he's just a lost boy looking for his mum. Strike that Infact I feel detached, I
Love you I hate you I need you I hear you I run from the truth like a bullet from a gun. Oh fuck it's getting serious this time and not even peace can calm my head a crazy little boy searching for his cell. The one nearest the living fucking hell. But he woke up. He wakes! He wakes inside his head. Was it his mis dealings that left him for dead. Bury me, change me, love me, hate you. Fuck you! I don't even know the story of the rain, when it crashes down near my flame. I feel the power of love, I hear my muse sing down from above. I can not run and I accept the past but please try and understand I can make it as a man. I'm worth more then you know and something will show... Tick tick tock... Feel me at ease I love to please. But confrontation is something so hard. I hate it I run away. I run away. I run away. You got your opinions on me but who knows maybe I'm the one who is truly free because in the past I didn't know. That 666 was for a group show. I gotta give up this hell. But it's so fun to follow these shadows down a living hole, down a living hell. I'm so happy yay! I feel sorrow as well. I'm so happy with life kinda sad but true who's knows .. Soon I could be like, um.. You?
****
My writings are to bet negativity out, to mindfully accept them. To notice they are there. You can't change having bad and good thoughts, it's okay to feel sad and happy. Sometimes we need to take our sadness out in lyrics, even happiness... This isn't a creative write by the way. I'm just trying to let you know I was sad when I wrote this but now happy because I fully accept that I was sad. Now I can listen to the rain with my candle.. Window open... And go to DBT at 9:50.
Good night blog
Love to all my followers
Even to the fuckers.
Another reason to be happy I get to see her today
I always buy her white chocolate buttons... I don't want her always eating them though.. Maybe I should buy her something else.. Milk chocolate buttons? I see Mila every Thursday and Friday now when she goes to spend time with granny (my mum..) she brings so much light to the dark sky's.. She's amazing..
Goodnight everyone
Fuckers.
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