One Year ago today/ Birthday plans...

Not this monday but next Monday will be My birthday...

That being said. I have already got my present. 

Apart from Meeting and being with Kimmi

Last year was the most disgusting./shittest/uglyiest birthday I have ever had

A week after we got back from Greece My Mother, Oldest Brother & Father found out about my Fathers C*ncer (I refuse to give a full spelling of this vile illness) 

My Mother came downstairs crying and I didn't know why, Kimmi Didn't know why. My mum asked to speak to Kimmi Alone. so i went upstairs... There was always suspisions about my Dad we thought it was just tooth problems....

Kimmi then came upstairs. i said "what? what is it" she replied " I made a promise to your mum Steven, I can't tell you" i then replied "But how? What the fuck is it Kimmi, I'm worrying about my Dad And Mum (mum lost a lot of weight... later we found out it was due to stress) "she said it's about your Dad, Steven" I said what is he okay?" she then said "He has C*ncer Steven." .... My face according to Kimmi went chalk white... I didn't even put shoes on i was barefoot and Just ran, I didn't know where i was going i just ran out the door at three in the morning. i went to my dads Gate and just broke down in the street crying in Kimmi's arms. and that night i fell asleep in Kimmi's arms crying my heart out for my Father.... I promised her i would not repeat what she had told me....

A couple of days before it was my brothers wedding party in Edinburgh. Friends/family's were there.

I went with Kimmi (My rock for the past year and a half.) and acted normal. even slow dance'd to amazed by you by lonestar... I got Drunk to drown my sorrows... 

Then we got back to the house I was in a suit, Kimmi looking beautiful...

I went into the kitchen to smoke. My dad came in looked at me because on the way home i was crying... 

He looked at me Silently. I had tears in my eyes. trying to hold back from crying... He said " You shouldn't smoke as much Steven" I said " What the point Dad?" We gave eachother a look. A look so strong you could cut cheese. It wasn't an angry look it was a sad look, i gave him a look saying "Daddy, I'm scared, I know what is wrong" he gave me a look back saying " I know and i'm scared but i love you"....

Even though i am crying right now as i write this it is understandable....

A couple of days past & it's my 21st. The day i couldn't wait for since i was 15/16 I had always planned for it to be amazing and big.... 

The day wasn't amazing and big, it was the hardest day of my life. sure i got £700 including £300 for the deposit of my flat. But i Didn't want money, i Didn't want any games or clothes or even a cake... I just sat and watched the football. Spain Vs Italy... Everyone was there Mum, Dad, Andrew, Richard, Kirsty & Kimmi. I just spent the whole day looking at my poor dad. Pretending i knew nothing, not a thing

I could tell by his arms the amount of weight he had lost was mad... that's the thing i keep hating myself for not noticing sooner, his weightloss! But he always wore his boiler suit ! he'd work from 8 am to 9pm everyday, every fucking day regular as clock work, so how could i notice? eating wise he would struggle we just thought he ate at work...

I guess my head was in the sand, didn't want to accept it. After all I had lost my girlfriend that year and Was pretty upset... and a bestfriend so i only had Kimmi to turn to and she was great But i only fell fully in-love with Kimmi after dating for a weeks. i always knew i had feelings for her when she was staying at mine, but it was scary. Love is scary.. So there i was still upset at losing a girlfriend and a best friend... and then this happens... i felt so lost and weak. i felt even more of a shell...

To be honest, if it wasn't for Kimmi (My Rock) i would has ended up dead & I truly mean that, I know suicide is selfish and weak, but thats exactly it, i was weak and Kimmi gave me hope to believe My Father could make it out of this...

He still has C*ncer, He isn't in the all clear. but his tomour in his neck isn't growing anymore and he can actually eat with his mouth from now on no stomach tube, he had beans and sausage's and even a pie last time i saw him and we even built a fence together.... 

But you see i have already got my birthday present my dad is making progress and maybe, just maybe get the all clear in 10 years time. but at least i still have him in my life. at least i can hear his voice and give him a cuddle when i am through in Edinburgh.

I don't want anything for my birthday, i Just want to spend it in the presence of my Dad. that's all i want. I have my amazing girlfriend who is my rock, I have my pets, I have my nice home and I have my family.. that's all i want and need.. sure I miss My best friend everyday. Every day I think of her, but that's down to the choice's I have made. Do I regret losing her? no, not at all because This is a part of life and i believe it was meant to happen for a reason.. That's the thing no dis respect to my ex's but ex's you can get over & I am over my ex's.... friends not so simple.  But am i Happy for my old friends and ex's ? You bet i am. I don't hold any gurdge's to any of my ex's or old friends, because I don't want to be that type of guy, if an ex in Scotland, Sweden or Germany has a new Relationship then i am happy that they have the balls to take a chance on love. if my old friends have made new friends then i am even happier because it shows that they have balls too.

I feel since moving to Ayr i have learned a lot about myself and life and even Kimmi. I wouldn't trade this life for anyother. I am proud of myself to actually run and sustain a house hold. to be happy to clean the house and prepare meals and pay a bill and look back and think i did that.

I have deactivated Facebook, I hate it really. I hate the fake people on it. But thats the thing i don't see a point creating a facebook for true friends and family cause' no one has 200/300 real genuine people who care for them... so facebook is gone and i won't be returning...

What does the future hold for me? well i am not making any plans. contre, i kind of am. I plan to take each day as it come's and if that doesn't work. I always have my backup plan? and what's that? start making plans...

Anyway, I really hope I have a nice 22nd birthday, All i need is Kimmi and My family around me and that's just fine by me.

Stevie.