Happy birthday to me :) 22

New job

Just been given a job as working on the market selling things excited can't wait

My daddy told me not to bite my tongue,

I hate my momma cause she left me with no love.

I bottled it up, I sweep it under the rug (hate my mother).

If all the good things got to come to an end,

Then we're living in a world where the evil wins.

A lobbyist, a pessimist, a cynical, hypocritic mess.

Yeah!

Self-destruct personality,

Won't discuss my responsibility.

I am always walking on the final verge.

I'm killing myself but I am not a murderer

I fucking love that song and so does the people on the bus lol. Going to Irvine to drop off Bailey and Nason:)

Self destructive personality

There is a price that we all must pay.

I'm not sorry for the mistake I have made.

So can you tell me what will you do,

When everything you know turns right around on you.

I will throw up all of these lies

You let them nail me to your cross.

No matter how, what, where or when.

I'll always lay down for all your sins.

My daddy told me not to bite my tongue,

I hate my momma cause she left me with no love.

I bottled it up, I sweep it under the rug (hate my mother).

If all the good things got to come to an end,

Then we're living in a world where the evil wins.

A lobbyist, a pessimist, a cynical, hypocritic mess.

Yeah!

Self-destruct personality,

Won't discuss my responsibility.

I am always walking on the final verge.

I'm killing myself but I am not a murderer

I will throw up all of these lies

You let them nail me to your cross.

No matter how, what, where or when.

I'll always lay down for all your sins, down for all your sins.

My daddy told me not to bite my tongue,

I hate my momma cause she left me with no love.

I bottled it up, I sweep it under the rug (hate my mother).

If all the good things got to come to an end,

Then we're living in a world where the evil wins.

A lobbyist, a pessimist, a cynical, hypocritic mess.

Never gonna be the only thing that matters in my life when everything around me has failed.

Who knows what the future brings but eventually the truth will prevail.

It's moments like these where you really got to think about the broken dreams that you sell.

Tick tock in your head it goes where it stops who knows, like a carousel.

[x2]

My daddy told me not to bite my tongue,

I hate my momma cause she left me with no love.

I bottled it up, I sweep it under the rug (hate my mother).

If all the good things got to come to an end,

Then we're living in a world where the evil wins.

A lobbyist, a pessimist, a cynical, hypocritic mess.

Never gonna be the only thing that matters in my life when everything around me has failed.

Who knows what the future brings but eventually the truth will prevail.

It's moments like these where you really got to think about the broken dreams that you sell.

Tick tock in your head it goes where it stops who knows, like a carousel.

[x5]

Can't sleep

I can't sleep, worrying about today.. Hope everything will be okay?

Skype

Skype? Redrumsteven.

random lyrics. (really helps)

It's hard to say if you truly missed me. was it your intention to truly break me?

I feel a burning sensation due to an ever lasting life lesson...
You've taught me a lesson and showed me my path....
It's upto me to read this map..

So far i'm here and so far i'm older. still thinkin' and watching my role.
I've been casted as this man and i've never had a plan. time to up stick's and leave
Leave what I've known. it's time to grow and go ahead today
never mind the games they've played and never mind the awful thing's i've said
You're words are as cold as the western sea
so whats your intentions, to sink me at the bottom

I've been so graceful and i've held on believing in a fairytale ending.
I have dreamed for years on end

Grateful for the friends i've lost & hateful for the lesson's i've learnt. crazy for the girl i've found. and insane. always insane.

Wear the badge with pride. never let them judge you and never try to hide. show them what you've got and laugh right in there face. stop hiding in my shadow and let me live my life.

Time to self destruct again. 123. time to forget the troubled on me. searching for space and finding a box. opening it and finding a knife. then begging for direction. searching searching time to self destruct again. time to take the medicine that's been haunting me for me.

God bless you all. question how will you stall when you're next in line for feeling the feelings i've felt after all. i know they're mine...

Let's just spill out our emotions shall we?

Okay.. Okay... So I am writing this at 19:46 & I just wanted to not so much vent. But just clear My mind. First of Jim (Landlord) is fine. So he came for Rent today and we chatted, Chatted about life, homes and work.

 I said to him if You ever need a hand I could help you. I don't want money of the rent or cash. I just genuinely want to help the guy. He has been such a nice Guy to Kimmi and I. He also thanked me for wondering how he was doing, which is nice.

I have recently wanted to write a song but I have a few problems. You see when I write lyrics, I have a lot to say in My lyrics. I have so many feelings and words stored up there. And the problem ? well that's just it. I have too many lyrics, too many things I want to say. Also the other problems I'm not good at creating Melodys. I really, really, really struggle with that.

I also went to the pharmacy today to pickup my perscription's ; Bedranol & Tamepam. They work well. and calm me, which is nice. I have an appointment pretty soon, well Two appointments, one on the 5th of July then the 25th. So i am a bit nervous about this. 

I don't really know what to say. I'm scared i will say the wrong thing and the person helping me might think the wrong thing. Then I am truly fucked. But i am sure things will work out fine. they always do. thing's always do work out fine

I don't know how many times me and immi have been struggling for money or had troubles paying rent and some how against all the odds, we have been fine. came out of it and everything is fine. I think when things are all set in done, your problems are not as big as you make them out to be. Like when you are worrying about having gas or having food in the house, at winter yes it is a problem. but is it really a big problems?
there's always a answer and the answer to that would be,  hot water bottle.

I don't know, I have a lot of time to think... I don't even know what to say. All i know is that this blogpost was meant to be random and about what i am feeling right now. I don't feel anything really. Worrying about if Kimmi will be okay. but a part from that, no i am fine. happy, content. I was looking after her last night making sure she was comfortable. also cleaned the kitchen, living room and even mopt.

I like it when the house is nice, you feel so much pride. like you have done something good and when you look at it you think i did it. if Kimmi ruins my hardwork i will shout at her lol. Also i like it when Jim is here for rent and he can see that Kimmi & I look after this place and it isn't a shit house with Cigarette ash everywhere (like my old bedroom in Edinburgh)

Speaking of Cigarette's, I got one of those e cigarettes today. It's like a real Cigarette apart from it's thicker (that's what she said) and plastic. but i like the smell of cigs. I don't know why, is that strange to like that? eww i'm a weirdo. but I thought to myself i managed to stop smoking cigarette's and moved on to roll ups. so why can't i move from roll ups to e cigs? still getting nicotine, i'm just not killing myself anymore.

I really can't wait for the football season to start up. Every weekend i will be going to Edinburgh or around Scotland to see Hibs. I can't wait to go to the different citys. I really want to go up North I love it in the highlands and islands, i wish i could move up there one day. Maybe i will one day.. if Kimmi wants to come that is. No but Hibs have been drawn against the winners of Drog and Malmo. It's kinda weird how an edinburgh team are playing a team who play in a place I have been to.. sadly I haven't got the Money to go to Sweden or Ireland. But I hope we play Drog. They are Irish and hibs have Irish Connects. Plus Drog are the under dogs. and i will always support the under dog.

Oh yeah I also wanted to mention to Jim about getting a dog. but I knew he would have said no, he did when we first moved in to the flat he said no dogs.... which is sad. but that's life. I feel like I am a boring person for not talking much on here. I just really don't know what to say. Should I start making video's? 

Leave a comment down bellow too if I should start making videos also I don't get many comments on here so i sure would appreciate a comment or two.

Really looking forward to seeing My dad on Friday... 

Anyway i'll love you and leave you guys, 

Steviie





Fuckers.

Happy Anniversary

Happy one year anniversary sweetheart, so happy to have been giving the chance to let someone like you in my life I love you <3

24.06.12

One Year ago today/ Birthday plans...

Not this monday but next Monday will be My birthday...

That being said. I have already got my present. 

Apart from Meeting and being with Kimmi

Last year was the most disgusting./shittest/uglyiest birthday I have ever had

A week after we got back from Greece My Mother, Oldest Brother & Father found out about my Fathers C*ncer (I refuse to give a full spelling of this vile illness) 

My Mother came downstairs crying and I didn't know why, Kimmi Didn't know why. My mum asked to speak to Kimmi Alone. so i went upstairs... There was always suspisions about my Dad we thought it was just tooth problems....

Kimmi then came upstairs. i said "what? what is it" she replied " I made a promise to your mum Steven, I can't tell you" i then replied "But how? What the fuck is it Kimmi, I'm worrying about my Dad And Mum (mum lost a lot of weight... later we found out it was due to stress) "she said it's about your Dad, Steven" I said what is he okay?" she then said "He has C*ncer Steven." .... My face according to Kimmi went chalk white... I didn't even put shoes on i was barefoot and Just ran, I didn't know where i was going i just ran out the door at three in the morning. i went to my dads Gate and just broke down in the street crying in Kimmi's arms. and that night i fell asleep in Kimmi's arms crying my heart out for my Father.... I promised her i would not repeat what she had told me....

A couple of days before it was my brothers wedding party in Edinburgh. Friends/family's were there.

I went with Kimmi (My rock for the past year and a half.) and acted normal. even slow dance'd to amazed by you by lonestar... I got Drunk to drown my sorrows... 

Then we got back to the house I was in a suit, Kimmi looking beautiful...

I went into the kitchen to smoke. My dad came in looked at me because on the way home i was crying... 

He looked at me Silently. I had tears in my eyes. trying to hold back from crying... He said " You shouldn't smoke as much Steven" I said " What the point Dad?" We gave eachother a look. A look so strong you could cut cheese. It wasn't an angry look it was a sad look, i gave him a look saying "Daddy, I'm scared, I know what is wrong" he gave me a look back saying " I know and i'm scared but i love you"....

Even though i am crying right now as i write this it is understandable....

A couple of days past & it's my 21st. The day i couldn't wait for since i was 15/16 I had always planned for it to be amazing and big.... 

The day wasn't amazing and big, it was the hardest day of my life. sure i got £700 including £300 for the deposit of my flat. But i Didn't want money, i Didn't want any games or clothes or even a cake... I just sat and watched the football. Spain Vs Italy... Everyone was there Mum, Dad, Andrew, Richard, Kirsty & Kimmi. I just spent the whole day looking at my poor dad. Pretending i knew nothing, not a thing

I could tell by his arms the amount of weight he had lost was mad... that's the thing i keep hating myself for not noticing sooner, his weightloss! But he always wore his boiler suit ! he'd work from 8 am to 9pm everyday, every fucking day regular as clock work, so how could i notice? eating wise he would struggle we just thought he ate at work...

I guess my head was in the sand, didn't want to accept it. After all I had lost my girlfriend that year and Was pretty upset... and a bestfriend so i only had Kimmi to turn to and she was great But i only fell fully in-love with Kimmi after dating for a weeks. i always knew i had feelings for her when she was staying at mine, but it was scary. Love is scary.. So there i was still upset at losing a girlfriend and a best friend... and then this happens... i felt so lost and weak. i felt even more of a shell...

To be honest, if it wasn't for Kimmi (My Rock) i would has ended up dead & I truly mean that, I know suicide is selfish and weak, but thats exactly it, i was weak and Kimmi gave me hope to believe My Father could make it out of this...

He still has C*ncer, He isn't in the all clear. but his tomour in his neck isn't growing anymore and he can actually eat with his mouth from now on no stomach tube, he had beans and sausage's and even a pie last time i saw him and we even built a fence together.... 

But you see i have already got my birthday present my dad is making progress and maybe, just maybe get the all clear in 10 years time. but at least i still have him in my life. at least i can hear his voice and give him a cuddle when i am through in Edinburgh.

I don't want anything for my birthday, i Just want to spend it in the presence of my Dad. that's all i want. I have my amazing girlfriend who is my rock, I have my pets, I have my nice home and I have my family.. that's all i want and need.. sure I miss My best friend everyday. Every day I think of her, but that's down to the choice's I have made. Do I regret losing her? no, not at all because This is a part of life and i believe it was meant to happen for a reason.. That's the thing no dis respect to my ex's but ex's you can get over & I am over my ex's.... friends not so simple.  But am i Happy for my old friends and ex's ? You bet i am. I don't hold any gurdge's to any of my ex's or old friends, because I don't want to be that type of guy, if an ex in Scotland, Sweden or Germany has a new Relationship then i am happy that they have the balls to take a chance on love. if my old friends have made new friends then i am even happier because it shows that they have balls too.

I feel since moving to Ayr i have learned a lot about myself and life and even Kimmi. I wouldn't trade this life for anyother. I am proud of myself to actually run and sustain a house hold. to be happy to clean the house and prepare meals and pay a bill and look back and think i did that.

I have deactivated Facebook, I hate it really. I hate the fake people on it. But thats the thing i don't see a point creating a facebook for true friends and family cause' no one has 200/300 real genuine people who care for them... so facebook is gone and i won't be returning...

What does the future hold for me? well i am not making any plans. contre, i kind of am. I plan to take each day as it come's and if that doesn't work. I always have my backup plan? and what's that? start making plans...

Anyway, I really hope I have a nice 22nd birthday, All i need is Kimmi and My family around me and that's just fine by me.

Stevie.

Keep holding on....

I thought I had myself all figured out

But I spent my whole life holding myself down

And it seems to be that sort of thing I keep doing constantly

Addicted to the pain I cause myself

My head is floating somewhere in the clouds

While I'm paid to entertain a lovely crowd

They sing my songs and feel my pain

Cause pain is what creates my fame

A vicious cycle some day I'll get out

I can't believe I'm standing here at all

I can't believe I made it this far

All the way with a smile on my face

See the the top and I'm not falling off

And all I need is a microphone, I'll sing

About the things that have been hurting me

It's safe to say, all the kids, I relate

To their lives so just keep holding on

It's hard enough try walking in my shoes,

To be picked on by my peers who much abuse

And I'm tired of not fitting in true friends is my final wish

Just let me be myself and make it through.

I have tried so hard to be a better soul

I have worked so hard at making myself whole

And through it all my better years are still ahead my mind is clear

Just trust me when I say I'm in control

I can't believe I'm standing here at all

I can't believe I made it this far

All the way with a smile on my face

See the the top and I'm not falling off

And all I need is a microphone, I'll sing

About the things that have been hurting me

It's safe to say, all the kids, I relate

To their lives so just keep holding on

I believe I'm just like you

I believe I'll make it through

It's hard to see at times like this

But I'm not giving in, but I'm not giving in

 I believe I'm just like you

I believe I'll make it through

It's hard to see at times like this

But I'm not giving in, but I'm not giving in

And all I need is a microphone

I'll sing about the things that have been hurting me

It's safe to say, all the kids, I relate

To their lives so just keep holding on

I can't believe I'm standing here at all

I can't believe I made it this far

All the way with a smile on my face

See the the top and I'm not falling off

And all I need is a microphone, I'll sing

About the things that have been hurting me

It's safe to say, all the kids, I relate

To their lives so just keep holding on

I have highlighted in bold to which i believe i am like. music is a drug. and when you are sad/happy you need to hear your emotions translated into song.

Stevie

Trapt.

Okay so i feel trapt. The house is a mess but it can be easily cleaned.

The point is. well, i broke the washing machine by over loading it. and now we have no clean clothes...



do i put my clothes in the bath with wahsing powder? or wait till monday and go to the laudrette?

we have money but um...

our landlord has gone awol. well we joke but we are fearing the worst...

we are scared he might have had another stroke. rent was due day's ago but he still hasn't came to collect it..

i really worry about about him... i have left texts and voicemails telling him to get in contact when he can.

but in all seriousness our landlord has been a great guy. we were low on food and heating at xmas and he turned round and said " are you sure you can afford rent? don't leave yourself's without"

i used to think landlords were big and nasty but he has been a great guy...

i just pray he will be okay.

anyway apart from that im fine im feeling fine too which is good.

although i wish i could talk to someone about something... but i will be fine...

yeah it will probably be the hardest choice we have ever had to make but it is for the best...

the only way to stay sane is to go a little bit crazy

The story of the big dickhole and the nice girl who was trapt living with a dickhole and her amazing dog LOL ( you think of a better title LOL)

So we all know that story of the girl who just wanted to enjoy life. who wanted to go about her days in peace and harmony. But couldn't because of the ... "dickhole"

I may be looking into this situation too much, but as the narriator of this story i'm sure you know that i too have someone in my life who thrives on putting me down and making jokes... because they want to be the funny guy... let's do one thing right now shall we? let's rename the dickhole... funny guy who thrives on attention and romour has it the dickhole, sorry .. funny guy who thrives on attention has no friends. and even the people who care for him like the girl who wanted to enjoy her life... she at one point cared for this man...  so he feels he needs to be funny guy to get attention. he feels he needs to blurt out un funny things to the girl and her friend which he finds funny, but infact he is just being a dickhole? to be the center of attention..

Why does he do that? well in my opinion he feels so fucking lonely he despretly wants attention and people to like him. maybe he is a socio path? maybe he isn't but if you just stop giving him attention it will get worse. but you could always put a brave face on untill one day you snap and get the queen of dogs to rip his throat out? violent? you bet!

no but seriously. the girl shouldn't sweat it, relax. chill. i know it's hard when you have a dickhole.. (shit sorry the guy who loves attention.. dickhole is just to easy to write) in your face but in my opinion just try and reason with the dude. maybe he is jealous of your white knight prince miles apart from you? and that being said. i'm sure you could just wait it out until you decide to flee to the sea in the west to be with your prince...

i completely agree with the phraise manners is everything. and it's hard to believe this guy has a mum...

just go about your life as normal, until you can change you situation and get your own place either in a smaller part of the country (like me) where it is cheaper.. or you wait to see what your prince can do, as for the guy who is a prick. just be yourself, thats the perfect comeback. because you being yourself and having your friends round will annoy him more and more and more. and he will wish he could have what you have. but if you want to try and mend the broken friendship. well get drunk and have a heart to heart. have a big big chat. because peoples true feelings come out. and when he is drunk you can ask the question.

why do you always feel the need to insult this girl who just wants to enjoy her life?

if that doesn't work....

then

be yourself.

take care

and god bless

Sunshine on leith.

I still want to help you ?

I don't even know if you are following me on this anymore or if you have blocked me I don't know but you know I'm kinda scared to leave you a comment on what you should do about your situation. Something I should have done give you advice. Cause all I ever went on was about me. Anyway my advice

I feel when someone gets into a relationship with someone they really like they tend to ignore the world. Shut it off because they only care for themselves and their relationship right?

They begin to pick up the habits of their partner.. Like eating, laughing, sense of honour and in your case manners. 

It then is hard for them to get out of that mind frame because they spend so much time with that... What was it you said  skankwhore... Lol

But what I would do? Well I would do something nice for them to show you care (your friend, even if you gotta put up with there ungrateful-ness... & then have a honest deep heart to heart with them) if that doesn't work then just wait for them to come running back. I mean it might not be his fault... He has his new toy and will come back when he remembers his roots...

No backup plan?! But you're the one who said always have one. And I always have a backup plan and I feel a lot calmer.. You need some coffee sweetie....

Take care an hope I could have been of service to you

Love Steven

I believe i'm just like you.

Keep Holding on.... ... ... ... (If there was a song to describe...omg)

I thought i had myself all figured out.
But i've spent my whole life holding myself down.
and it seems to be that sort of thing i keep doing constantly
addicted to the pain i cause myself
my head is floating somewhere in the clouds
while i'm paid to entertain a lovely crowd.
they sing my songs and feel my pain cause pain is what creates my fame
visious cycle somthing i get out

I can't believe i'm standing here at all,i can't believe i made it this far
i'm away with a smile on my face through the top and i'm not falling off
all i need is a microphone i'll sing about the things that have been hurting me
it's safe to say all the kids i relate too there lifes will just keep holding on


it's hard enough try walking in my shoes
to be picked on by my peers too much abuse
and i'm tired of not fitting in, true friends is my final wish

just let me be myself and make it through
i have tried so hard to be a better soul
i have worked so hard at making myself hole

and through it all my better years are still ahead my mind is clear
just trust me when i say i am in control


I can't believe i'm standing here at all,i can't believe i made it this far
i'm away with a smile on my face through the top and i'm not falling off
all i need is a microphone i'll sing about the things that have been hurting me
it's safe to say all the kids i relate too there lifes will just keep holding on

I believe i'm just like you
I believe i'll make it through
It's hard to see at times like this
but i'm not giving in, but i'm not giving in.

i believe i'm ust like you,, i believe i'll make it through
it's hard to see at times like this
i'm not giving up, i'm not giving up


And all i need is a microphone i'll sing about the things that have been hurting me
it's safe to say all the kids i relate too there lifes so just keep holding on

I can't believe i'm standing here at all,i can't believe i made it this far
i'm away with a smile on my face through the top and i'm not falling off
and all i need is a microphone i'll sing about the things that have been hurting me
it's safe to say all the kids i relate too there lifes will just keep holding on

Drifter.

As I'm thrown into an empty room or should i say a box
I try to turn around to leave but the door it slams it off
So i sit here and think about all the evil things i've done
I lost where i was going because i forgot where i came from

I surrender put my weopens down i can't remember what i'm doing in this town
it's time for me to pack my bags, i will always be alone
the only thing i've ever known is out there on the road
i'm a drifter.

I'm a drifter,

 now every time i look straight in to my fathers eyes, 
i see how hurt and broken down he is from all the times
he had to watch the son he raised follow in his steps
the only option that he ever had was to hope for the best.

I surrender put my weopens down i can't remember what i'm doing in this town
it's time for me to pack my bags, i will always be alone
the only thing i've ever known is out there on the road

my faith is weak, my soul is bound, this lonely road i travel down
i scrape my feet this jagged ground, the cuts run deep into me now
mother oh aurt you here, so young i watched you disappear 
i know the truth is ugly did you ever truly love me?

i surrender
curse my mothers soul, i still miss her no matter where i go
it's time for me to pack my bags i will always be alone
the only thing i've ever known is a broken home

Bailey

Washing machine is broke

So I broke our washing machine by over filling it with clothes, so our landlord is really busy and says it will take a while for him to fix it so.... 

So, I washed them in the bath with Kimmi, rinsed them out and hung them up

My mothers reply after me complaining my wrists and arms were killing me?

Thanks mum

Sitting

Sitting here playing bingo with Kimmi & I..

Bingo is under rated. I hope I win

Lol

I've decided well me and Kim decided the next house or flat we move into. I will get a Siberian huskie and she will get a cocker spaniel! 

But for now it's to love this wee shit look how cute he looks !

People ask don't you dislike the tails of rats? My response is ; no, I dislike your fat ugly bitchy mouth... Reaction? Priceless.

Fuck C*ncer

For you dad <3

Bye Glasgow !

On my way home can't wait to give Kim presents from my parents she's going to love them

I bought a Pepsi and it was Dutch, weird huh 

Everyone makes mistakes

Someone in the family has made a mistake and I want you to know that I love you and will never judge you. I really don't care what you have done you could  steal from me or punch me in the face and wouldn't care, you're my blood and I will always be loyal to you

X

Photos of Edinburgh

Enjoy

Cold

Never ever ever go traveling in just a tank top! I left Ayr and it was really warm.. I'm on my way to Edinburgh to pick up kimmi's late birthday stuff and its cloudy ! Fuck Scotland ! My dad will call me an idiot no doubt lol oh well