yeah that was our song wasn't it?(the title didn't mean anything bad, but the you know who you are bit, is for you) You even had it as your ringtone for me.
First of all if you're reading this, i wish you well, i don't know why i don't tell you this in a message or whatever. Maybe because i am scared ? I guess this is the only place i can do it. Ive tried to take your advice and i can't but can on some of the things, can on the way i act, the future i will make for myself, if you have kept in touch with me like you said you would, look at my blog, then you would know, i've got that college spot, i've got the body i wanted, i've cherished new friends. can't reasons: i can't forget you, i've even tried to hate you, but like i knew, hating someone doesn't help. because it's just a lie to yourself, and i could never hate a person like you. You say nobody compares to you, and it's true. I miss you everyday, i think about you for a while. I try to stay strong, Walking away from the friendship, like a man, like you asked me too. i'm honestly trying, but you have made a mark on my heart. Sure with ex's i always thought to myself meh, it will end one day, but with bestfriend, you. I never thought it would, And i will put my hands up and admit it was my fault, it was my problems, my enimies. But the fact is, people try to drag your name through the mud. I stop them and explain the reasons why, they say oh its childish how she asked you to do that one thing, i stop them and say no, no it wasn't because i broke a promise. I honestly did, and it sucks.
It sucks not to have you in my life, i'm wanting the best for you, and sadly i was never best for you, never ever, i've tried to remember the good times, but i can't even speak to someone from your fucking country. how sad is that? how pathetic is that, because i just see your face and hear your voice. to be honest, because i thought it would be till the end.
i guess it wasn't because of me. i just hope you get the dreams you want, get the fuck out of that job, even though you love it, but you can do better, you can go to uni or college and get the grades and reach the potenial you are supposed too.
I was never a good friend to you, maybe for a month or two but after that, no no way.
You'll always have a place in my heart, because you have made me who i am, you have truley made me who i am. and i'm sorry, but you will always be my bestfriend, take it or leave it, you have to believe me... because no one can compare to you. i wouldn't want someone else anyway.
I will get the tat you designed for me, because of the meaning i love, and because YOU designed it, and one day when or if i can not even get sad about thinking of you, and just smile, and remember the amazing fucking times we had, then i will be proud to show off, the tattoo you made for me.
I have hope we will speak one day, i have hope we can atleast be friends write for a while and then see what happens. But i am not counting on it, you taught me to have a backup plan and my backup plan? just try and move forward what i will do, your with me in spirit you're with me when i go to town, i see stupid fucking russian hats and think of you i even think about buying you stuff to see if you'd like it, but i will respect your choice to leave you peace and harmony.
To be quite honest, this post isn't about me being upset or anything, i just thought you deserved an apology, and will realise that i just haven't threw my feelings away for you. because i do miss you, I MISS YOU!
I had a dream about you the other night, you were sitting, smoking, speaking in your language with a happy grin upon your face, i kneeld down and cryed while you were smoking and said i miss you, will w ever get to talk again? you just smiled said something in your language, i didnt understand, but i did, you said something nice and i just cryed and cuddled you and said you're my bestfriend. goodbye you smiled and gave me a cig and held me cry.. i didn't want to wake up..
It haunts me every single day, it haunts me till i sleep that i let you down, that i broke the promise, if i could reverse time and not be as selfish as i was i would, i am deeply sorry for what i've done and the weight of the guilt will hang on my shoulders till i die. fact.
it's weird because i never felt this for a friend, just friendship, nothing sexual, i thought you were pretty beautiful, but i didn't want anything else, because you are and were like a sister to me, my own fleash and blood, it's weird and il never have that feeling again i think...
You might not even read this, you might be angry, you might even cry, but at least i had the balls to write about how this has effected me, how i miss you, and show'd my feelings and i was even man enough to apologise, even though it wasn't enough i still done it to prove a point.
i hope you think of the good times with us. not the bad, and yes, i check your blog sometimes to see how you are, because i miss you dearly. take care
and follow your dreams.
"life goe's on"
"
"Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?"
"
<3
15.June,2011 - 4, Febuary,2012
I still have it as your ringtone though
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