Mila's big adventure.

So Andrew, Kirsty and Mila are in Austrailia right now and my mum decided to send me some pictures of Mila enjoying herself in Austrailia

Mila had a little acceident so she had to get a cast. But she's not letting that effect her, she's having a blast and it's brillaint to see.

My favourite picture, she loves watermelon lol!

She loves her mini mouse :)

Mila and Mummy!

Can't wait to see her next week! So proud at how brave she has been she's a real inspiration! Love my little niece.

Damn.

Wanting to go on holiday with Kim, flights are £130 (good) train is £30 all together (amazing) but hotel is like £600?! What the hell?! How can they do that? I bet when we actually arrive the prices will be lower.. They are wanting 85 a night...... In Edinburgh you get bed and breakfasts for like 25 a night... How can they justify that? This place is amazing but it's not a capital.... Then there's spending money, say £500/£600 and this place isn't even warm LOL!  Oh well it will be a journey. Obviously keeping tight lipt about where it is.... (Haha kimmi you won't find out;) ) anyway good morning everyone it's 6 am and I have DBT and I'm excited. Well not really.... Haven't been meditating for ages now. I get guilty at myself... Kims away visiting her mum and dad in Ayrshire. I almost killed myself last night.... You see I have had the windows open because of the heat... So a nice big daddy long legs comes flying in and starts attacking my light bulb.... I spray it with spray killer. Sprayed far too fucking much. Couldn't breathe had to run out that room . Anyway I got a pillow and breathed into that over my nose and mouth and opened the living room window wider with the lights off... So I woke up had a nice dream about traveling and thought I would google prices on it.., trivago is a lot of shite.. Maybe we can just go. For three days instead of seven... Hmmm... But that's no fun. Three days isnae long enough. Fuck it il do it. I've always wanted to go there anyway :)

By the way. I have. Bone to pick with DBT. I've been told not to be judgemental and ignorant so I was speaking to someone two nights ago.. I can't really say too much info but basically he was being ignorant of other people's skills and I told him to stop being so judgemental and ignorant of other people. There are always going to be people higher then you. And you'll always be higher then some people. Like my mental health for example. It's bad at times we'll certainly improved over the years. And I can be bad at times (no ones perfect) but there will be someone out there with the same conditions as me but they could be one hundred times worse. Judging is so easy. I hate

Myself for judging too much. I mean we all judge but sometimes we do it too much don't we. I used to be really bad with judgements... Like oh my god... Anyway I need a hot shower and warm cup of coffee I hope my milk is in date. Fuck if it isn't. Have a nice day have a picture 

What winning The Scottish Cup meant to me.

So here is the deal, you do not have to have an interest in football to find this story interesting. you just have to believe in Faith. the 21st of May 2016 changed my life forever. Not only me but Kimmi's, My mother's life  & My brothers lives. It is so hard to describe how i felt.

Well the night before i couldn't sleep, I wasn't nervous but excited but yet a sense of calmness came over me, i was not confident because if you have read my previous post, my team Hibernian had not won the Cup since the year 1902, 114 years, My team hibs for short had been in ten previous cup finals and had lost them all. they are one of the biggest clubs in Scotland, Winning the league in the 50's beating european 'BIG' teams, Winning the league cup, a smaller cup to the Scottish Cup...

To tell you this story you need to listen to Hibernian's roots, Hibs were created to bridge the gap between the Scottish and Irish, The irish came over to Edinburgh for a better life, they were starving and cold, they had no food, there was a place in Edinburgh Called The Cowgate, Little Ireland for short because so Many irish had stayed there, Including my own family when they first came to Scotland. So Hibernian (the roman name for Ireland) were formed in the year 1875. Folowing the years due to Hibernians irish herritage a local gypsy was NOT happy when the club decided to remove the Harp from the main stand and said "You will never win the Scottish cup ever again until the harp is restored on the main stand" she was angry because she felt we had turned our back on our heritage, down the years hibs have changed there badge, from a harp to a crown to a weird booze badge and to our current badge, the harp,ship and castle, the badge was placed on the main stand a few months before may the 21st, and look what happened....

So i have been to the last Scottish Cup final against a team called Celtic (selltick) we lost 3-0... not a good day, i had seen hibs lose to our arch rivals in the scottish cup final 5-1 ... again not a good day... but this time, i did not even think of the harp back on the stand, hibs had already bet rangers twice this season, they were nothing special.... the game

The Game, in the first three minutes hibs had scored, i don't know why but i thought it was a defender who ran and ran then scored.... i was just praying we could hold on and then... Rangers Scored to make it 1-1... well if we can go to penaltys who knows i remember thinking.... then they scored again, a wonder goal. I held kims hand as soon as it went in, sad, down, angry...I thought same old, same old, pay £50 for tickets and £40 train fair and fan stuff... kim told me when the second goal went in she thought about telling me i am not going to bother ever coming to the games again... then out of no where we got a corner, we scored ?! holy shit it is the defender again LOL? no it wasn't but i remember when the corner was taken, i prayed to my grandad " Please grandad, please just one goal, please" we had scored it was 2-2!!!!

Then in the last couple of minutes in the game BOOM, 114 years of pain, hurt, sadness, anger had just vanished.... gone, my grand parents were not even alive to see it, people had been living for 100 years and had not seen it... i remember we got the corner and thought again " Right grandad, i know i asked before, please, i will never pray asking for anything ever again, please just let this go in" it went in!!! I fell to my knees, i was crying, i was shaking, i could not believe what i had seen, all those years getting kicked in the balls, getting made fun off... i couldn't believe it... we had won

Then about 5 thousand hibs fan invaded the pitch with pure glee, kissing the ground, stealing the pitch turf... this is something i will never feel again, something kim said and i qoute" Im not even a football fan but what i felt nothing can ever compare to it" hibs could win the cup next year and it would be great but it would be nothing compared to winning it for the first time in 114 years....


I will post a few videos, enjoy them,

"Hibs have won the scottish cup"

POV from the Rangers end of the hibs fans going CRAZY! (favourite video)

It wasn't just a game of football, it was more then that, it was pure happiness........

It's 4am.

In the middle of watching the movie 30 days of night... Because I like Alaska and cold country. I hate warm country. I swear I was an Eskimo in a past life. I love being cold. Is that weird?

Mums here, she's been here since Thursday night. So we have been drinking, smoking and laughing. Kim has really enjoyed it too... I can't stop thinking about the volunteering opertunity..

They want me to talk about my past with BPD and present. They want me to be honest, I would be the only male, which is rare since most males are in jail... Or just don't want to admit it... I could be an inspiration to help people. I could make a difference if I played this well... I would be so proud of myself... But I am scared, what if I fuck up? I'm not going to avoid this though..

I feel guilty because I haven't meditated in two weeks, I've been very judgemental towards myself. Nasty, not been kind to myself, it's good I'm recognising those bad feelings though...

I got my optigrill and by god it's amazing

It makes the best toasties ever. It cooks fish and meat from frozen too!

I've also been thinking. I want to skydive. Nah I really do, I want to try it but I want to make a go fund me to raise money for my sweet little Mila-Moo's condition. A lot of family's don't have the money to travel to England or afford the therapy for this.. I just want to do my bit for Mila but for her charity... I'm her uncle and I want to be a good uncle to her. So I'm going to look into it. I would honestly do it. I'd record it with a go pro or something. Would you support me?

Not going to lie to you blogger times are hard right now, money is low, tensions are high, depression is kicking in... Times are hard, I have support but ... Yeah.. But it's just one of those days where you feel sad... I wish I could talk about it more but yeah.. I'm not really wanting too? If I want to write down how I feel I write a note in my notes on my phone.... 

So, I am going to quick learning course to improve my English and maths. That's Monday and have a meeting to arrange that with Neil... Then I look towards college while volunteering.. Should be fu. Right? 

I'm busy and my avoidance and judgementalness is getting pissed off at me being so busy and not feeling sorry for myself! 

I keep a lot of shit to myself, apart from Kim I tell her everything. She's my woman. Anyway let's wrap it up fi here a dinni wantae gab in inglis.. Bahye

Fuckers.

Nutella pizza?!

Best dessert I've ever had in my life

Wanting to write a blog but not sure what to write.

So I'm sitting in my kitchen smoking a fag, oh the joy... I saw Joanne today, I have two moduals of DBT left. About 16 weeks to go and it will be a whole year of DBT. 

Scary, I've came a long way but I still don't feel 100% fixed. I feel about 60 or 70. I am mindful of my emotions more, I try less to judge and try to think in wise mind. I think a lot more before I say stuff. I am more compassionate and understanding and truth is I feel better but fixed? No, I will never be fixed no one can be fixed. In life you have to be aware of how you are feeling and deal with your problems in healthy ways. Advice on relationships, friendships personal problems is great. It's good to talk I'm not saying bottle up your feelings but YOU are your adviser. You would go to a shop and ask the best way to wipe your ass 

Okay bad example but you all know what I mean. Truth is I keep searching for this magical answer. I am Steven Perry I have these problems that problems. But maybe the problems I have had have been drifting into something bigger then I thought and that's scary.

It's okay to feel anxious or scared, one thing I have learned is to look at the facts of a situation before flying off the handle . Feeling those feelings are how we evolved and grew as human beings. It's okay to feel them. But we must understand that only us, can change. If you want it badly please do not depend on others to do your dirty work.

I am mindful of my past, I am mindful of my present and I am mindful of my future. I feel bad for my past, I feel anxious for my future. But my present? I just feel mindful and positive. 

People and avoiding are a weakness of mine. The 'new' Steven is scared to et close. I can talk the talk and be old Stevie boy, the joker, the clown, but it's scary to get involved. I have tried being mindful of these feelings but hey, that's the thing meeting new people, going new places is scary. I have avoided meeting my brother for coffee, to talk about our situation. But do I need to talk about it? He might dislike me at times but that is the past not the present. If he dislikes me I can't change his opinion. I know a room full of people  who dislike me, not everyone will like you in life, because of the worst and stupidest things. But I try to be mindful of that. Worrying and remembering the past won't help you move forward. 

Imagine a world where no human was scared of their past? How dull would that be. A few people would die huh? 

I've been in a relationship with Kim for four years now, four houses, three city's, two pets and one bedroom flat. That's scary, what's even more scary is even though I love her, committing to one person, committing to one career, committing to whatever is scary and but enjoyable...

I don't want to let anyone down, but again, the past is creeping up and well I know I say it a lot but I am mindful of that. 

The reason for this post is because I want to remind myself I am trying, even if I feel down sometimes I look at the facts and ask why am I? I know why I am today. But some days I won't know why and that's okay. Sometimes I will feel happy and sing in the street and won't know why... Life is life, life is truly how you make it. 

I'm not going to college, but I am staring it at a later date insead, it was a choice you see. Throw away DBT that I've been doing for six month and have another four months of. Or go to college and miss my DBT group on a Thursday. I told the college about this and they said I can start new from January. I'm also going to be volunteering soon, I went to an evang on Tuesday with Kim. They are looking for people with borderline personality disorder to help them kill the stigma and looking for people who know people with the illness. So me and Kim fit right in.

Why am I doing this? Because it's a good use of time, there are people that need help and it can be helpful for me to continue growing... So yeah I'm excited for that. Also excited for college, my life is going well and it's all down to me

Almost finished DBT and learned from it.

Going to college in January.

Learning to drive

My own flat

Long term relationship of four years

Became more mindful and spiritual.

Better relationship with my family

I see my niece often. 

I have things going for me. I'm not sad really... If anything I'm strong, strong for the ones I need to be strong for. 

Keep cheering me on. I'm doing good blog. 

I hope you all are doing well

Remember to be mindful.

Thank you

Random creative writing moment number 183930

Open windows - yes

Lights off - yes

Candle burning -yes

In bed - yes

Emotions running high - err maybe?

These all come from my head, all

At once. Let's start this, fuckers

***********

He walked outside not sure of alive, he went on walking with fear by his side. He stopped in the rain to tell his tale. About his life and how he de railed. Whispers from the puddles and screaming from the rails. He could tell that his life had went far from hail... Stones on going and going He walked along the busy roads feeling the cold air, feeling the the breeze and living away, following the lights to lead him above, above from the secrets burnt inside his head. You better run and tell everyone as well. I can't stall I'm

Blessed from hell. I wear a badge across my neck, I wear the truth that keeps me tick. Tock ticking tick rocking away. Keep me sane give me pills keep me calm drive me to hell. His secret came out would you like to know it. Sometimes he's just a lost boy looking for his mum. Strike that Infact I feel detached, I

Love you I hate you I need you I hear you I run from the truth like a bullet from a gun. Oh fuck it's getting serious this time and not even peace can calm my head a crazy little boy searching for his cell. The one nearest the living fucking hell. But he woke up. He wakes! He wakes inside his head. Was it his mis dealings that left him for dead. Bury me, change me, love me, hate you. Fuck you! I don't even know the story of the rain, when it crashes down near my flame. I feel the power of love, I hear my muse sing down from above. I can not run and I accept the past but please try and understand I can make it as a man. I'm worth more then you know and something will show... Tick tick tock... Feel me at ease I love to please. But confrontation is something so hard. I hate it I run away. I run away. I run away. You got your opinions on me but who knows maybe I'm the one who is truly free because in the past I didn't know. That 666 was for a group show. I gotta give up this hell. But it's so fun to follow these shadows down a living hole, down a living hell. I'm so happy yay! I feel sorrow as well. I'm so happy with life kinda sad but true who's knows .. Soon I could be like, um.. You? 

****

My writings are to bet negativity out, to mindfully accept them. To notice they are there. You can't change having bad and good thoughts, it's okay to feel sad and happy. Sometimes we need to take our sadness out in lyrics, even happiness... This isn't a creative write by the way. I'm just trying to let you know I was sad when I wrote this but now happy because I fully accept that I was sad. Now I can listen to the rain with my candle.. Window open... And go to DBT at 9:50. 

Good night blog

Love to all my followers

Even to the fuckers.

Another reason to be happy I get to see her today

I always buy her white chocolate buttons... I don't want her always eating them though.. Maybe I should buy her something else.. Milk chocolate buttons? I see Mila every Thursday and Friday now when she goes to spend time with granny (my mum..) she brings so much light to the dark sky's.. She's amazing..

Goodnight everyone

Fuckers.