Numb

cold and numb is really the only emotions that I am feeling right now. A bit distant with others and just well... cold and numb. it feels like inside my body is screaming from the inside, way past my nerves and into my blood.

I just keep thinking things could be worse, people are going through worse right now. But then my mind thinks well isn't that just a cop out. But it's true. My life is so weird at times. I feel like I am truman from the truman show

I feel it for others instead. it must feel like she's in a box room. A big boxed room where the people she loves are at the end. She runs to save them and as she is running the floors disappear and she can't jump across to save them. Sure she has support on the current flooring. But is that enough. does she pray that the floor will reappear.

Why do I feel so numb. Am I distancing myself from the ones who need me. I'm not running away. But at the same time I'm not really doing anything because I don't want to unbalance the situation. I don't want to create any worrys or problems because they care for me. Even if they are not problems for me. they might probably take them on...

I am strong but I'm numb. Drink isn't the solution, it never is. But the weird thing is. a quote from the truman show is. "You never had a camera inside my head"

I wish there was one. so I could feel something. It's not that I don't care. I do care. But I'm just concerned I am numb. I'm not burying my head in the sand.

Maybe I'm just preparing myself for the worst. That's the problem with me isn't it, Always seeing the glass half empty then half full. I dunno man..

Anyway I hope you all have a good Christmas and a happy New year.

Creative writing.

Had a very good, strange emotional day. Had to do things out of my comfort zone this week and eat some humble pie. Feel releaved, okayish, happy and angry all in one. So I really need to write and let it all out into one big creative writing mess....

'I was a lesson I have learned. I was lost and concerned, battling away night and day hoping to change and wanting to say. I held the keys to my soul. I had to let my demons roll. Fighting, chatting and making things last. I pushed away and landed on smeard  glass. I feel as if I have the will to learn. Why can't i just see that no one was concerned. Forgiven thrown around like such an easy word. Anger builds and trust is learned. I fight with myself. I love myself and it's true. I'm glad i lost the demon that played. My final songs of mistakes. I have a life worth living it is true. But my flaws are still clear. I can manage them and thats for sure. Pour me a river and cry me a fall. I'm done with hating after all. I'm forgiven and happy but angry still lasts. I can now finally let go about everything from my past......... one few words left to say. I have found my nights and my days. Eager falling. Lessons crawling. Beside me stopping. For once I'm not left for dead and my tears still fall. Let my guilt leave I'm finally free. So here I go.. just watch me.'

I haven't updated in a while.

Yes it's true. If i was a parent and if this blog was a kid i would have social service's taking my child away. I think the last time i updated i was just about. Well not think. I know because i checked..

So what have i been doing since January? A whole lot to shorten the answer.

Lets see. Well.. i started my college courde to get my qualifications in a better state. And i passed my course. So my grades are a lot lot lot lot better. I have became more addicted to my xbox with games i love. I have a great relationship with my family. I've had to be there for people and gave decent advice. Me and kim are doing great and she is on the right track in life and i am so fucking proud of her.

Kim took me to a Buddhist monastery. The only one in western Europe. Where i loved it. Even without wifi and phone signal. I've been to England with Kim and friends... I am actually  back again on friday.

I am out of the mental health system and they are happy with my mental health. I JUST show signs of borderline personality disorder and have completed my DBT course where i feel much better.

I am starting a new course on the 31st. An introduction to counciling and if all goes well i will do my cosca course where i become a full lisenced couincler and then i can go to university and become a dbt therapist. Wish me luck and strengh:)

Me and Kim have helped her brother and his girlfriend settle in to a new home... oh and driving is coming along just fine...

I'm the happiest i have ever been and life is fantastic. Life is truly what you make it.

One year ago Kim's teachers said she will never work with children. And failed her. A year later she passed and is qualifed as a teaching assistant. I am very proud of her and so happy for her.

The best part of the year is my niece Mila remembering my name and asking if i was daddy's friend LOL!

This week will be laundry and xbox week.

Also if you have time watch peep show on Netflix and give cry venom a listen.

One bad thing to happen is well. For those of you who don't know i suffer from mild cerbal palsy. My reactions and balance is shit. And well its causing me to have knee pain because of my body stance the muscle is always hurting. But im using crutches and they help. I used to be ashamed of my CP because that's how people made me feel. But now i couldn't care. Its the cards I've been handed. Sometimes i wonder what if the doctors gave me oxygen three seconds less. And didn't cause me to have it. What if it didn't damage my brain cells.. but there's always people worse off then you.

Anyway thanks for the read its 2 am. I gotts sleep. Nighhhhht

Fuckers.

Nerves are kicking in.

So I'm not sure if I'm starting college this week or not. I know I'm to be in today at half eleven to talk about the course and what I want from it. But I'm so nervous for it. Like oh my god. I don't even know why. I have my idea's I guess it's normal to be nervous. Truth is I don't want to let myself or anyone down. I feel pressure defintley. I've been thinking all day how lucky I am to get free education in this country when England needs to pay for their education... I'm just going to go in with the best level head. I can't even sleep right now because of the nerves. I know I don't really have anything to worry about. My mouth is so dry haha! Oh well wish me luck please. Good luck Steven :) going to try and get some sleep now and won't let the nerves win. 

Bad news.

Yeah... my blogger app on my phone won't let me post anything... so I am on the site of blogger on my phone not being able to see what I am typing oh ! Now I can because it's a new..... I can't see again I was going to say a new sentence... and now I can see. Blogger, google you suck! So I am not being anti social... I am just trying to figure out how to update this thing.... I really can't believe dbt finishes for me in December.... Christmas is coming fast.. people don't know it. But we have been saving for Christmas... I have money and religiously (what does that even mean in this context) have put money away into it and well Christmas is sorted... just need to buy the presents... I have people in mind. I want to buy presents to show people I care and think of them. I hate when people refuse a present it's now about me it's about you. I do it to show I care... or the old fake line you shouldn't have.. no one ever means that you are happy you got a present. But you shouldn't be happy you got a present you should be happy that the person thought about you.. another reason I hate when people use money as a gift. No thought just a rush... I hate money by the way. Imagine a world without it. I dislike how people get so drunk at Christmas. Next time you go to the the shops look into people's basket or trolleys it's just booze booze booze. Oh well. I just like seeing people happy... I'm thinking of giving up drinking. People say you have to love yourself but how is getting so drunk loving your self? Or even a drop to feel merry? You get a buzz and aren't true to yourself. Maybe I should have a drink at Christmas and special events.. just to show others I care.. it breaks the awkward silence too... that's a good thing... driving is coming along well... I'm starting round abouts next week. Getting passports in January should be fun fun fun.. going to go now. Bye


Fuckers

DBT, Meditation, giving hope and a stranger on the bus.

Forgive me for not being on my blogger for so long. The app I use on my iPhone keeps crashing and well I wanted to make a memory of today's events and look back on them as why I joined blogger in the first place LOL!

Anyway I went with Kim to her appointment. She is on the path to being where she wants to be. Which I will fully support her on that. Of course I will. We then went to a relaxation group and were doing mindfulness and meditation. This was Kim's first meditation and she said she enjoyed it. So I was happy for her to feel calm and at ease and also feel good about herself. I told her 'can you see why a do it now?!'

So we had a day ticket and could travel all around the lothians with this ticket so we did. I was talking to her and telling her she done well in the relaxation group. She said you must be so used to it with your dbt. And this random girl sitting near us asked if I was in dbt and had EUMD (BPD to you lovely North Americans) I answered her questions and tried to give her the best advice I could. I said stuff like "listen it will be hard you will want to give up and walk away but just keep paying attention keep doing your work, keep listening and be honest. Don't lie about anything in group and I promise you it will just click... " it did for me. She told me she is a new mum and is scared I tried my best to calm her and shook her hand.... I feel so lucky to have came through dbt ... I've done well. I end it on the 15th of Dec.... and see my one to one worker weekly then monthly .. and that's it... of course I'm scared of course I will cry.. but the thing is dbt was never to make friends or chat or whatever.. it was to make me better.. it has that only purpose and I've done it I am much better... I'm scared of slipping into old ways. It's natural. It would be weird if I wasn't... I'm just staying in the present .... don't think of my past learn from it.. the future? How can I focus on my future if I'm not focusing on the present to build towards it?

" I want happiness" remove I that is ego, remove want that's desire... happiness is free now"

I should really update this thing more often but this was just a wee post take remind ma self that I done something nice today. I felt good after words I could see the fear in her eyes... I had that fear but I was just honest to her. I didn't catch her name but I wish her all the luck in the world with her little family and her own path. Good luck buddie.. who knows I might see you when I leave in Dec :)


Blah blah blah


Night

Fuckers.

Ps sold my Xbox for £85 on eBay when in person a store was gonna offer me £35 for it all

What
A
Fucking
Kill.

Thanks mum, Kimmi and Sean for young the price ;)

Bored.

Meh. 

Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored. Booooooooored....

Blogpost of the year yayyyy