Sunday clean, busy bee, gay title.

Busy bee? Jesus.... Well it's Sunday and that means cleaning day.... Not the fucking day of rest.. Cleaning days I'm in a sunny Dalkeith (I hate the sun) and I'm about to start cleaning, well we actually done some last night, which was good.. 

My parents are going away to Malta for two weeks and guess who is coming to stay with me and Kimmi for two weeks? JAAAAAAACKY!!!

Jacks coming over, I okayed it with my

Landlord and he said it was fine the only problem he would have is if he barked, which he doesn't only when the door goes... But he does have bad bad bad seperstion anixty, he howls like a wolf when I go outside crying for me, sweet but heartbreaking for him, so if my neighbours complain when I go to DBT, fuck you. They play there shite music constantly, which is annoying, and they're moving anyway so who cares.. I

Would let them know but I don't speak polish, seriously they speak shit English and are rude... I could tell you guys some storys....

Anyway I'm looking forward to Jack coming round, it will be nice to be around animals, since our two boys died it's felt so lonely in the house, I hate it. I've always been brought up with pets. I've always been around dogs. 

I need animals in my life. They make me happy, it's not our job to bully a dog or putting off changing the hay for the hamster cage for an extra week or get a cat shit cat food and give them no water, it's our job as humans to look after animals. We need to respect them.

Also I have another driving lesson on Tuesday. I had a dream I stole my dads van last night, and was driving, that was fun...

Anyway I'm away for a shower, see ya.

Fuckers

Dreams

Dreams; what are they? Not the dreams you have when you fall asleep, but the wishes you have for the future, why do we put so much importance of getting to where we want to be in two years time.

My dreams are not over the top in getting there, I don't want to be a millionaire or even have the best job in the world, I don't want to have fast cars or a swimming pool, I don't even want a list of friends that comes from Edinburgh to Melbourne. I don't want to live in a big house with freashly cut grass on a Sunday morning sipping away at my posh coffee while reading a paper and two of my 5 kids ask me for the iPhone 20.

I would tell you what my dreams are, but they might not come true, I just have to keep hoping and wishing I can get them, It's been so long now and time is getting on, people have said walk, move, leave. But abandonment to me is a big deal.

Sometimes I feel like my life is the Truman show, everyone is watching me, at the gym, in the town, on the bus, from outside inside... I feel that well in the past I had to please certain people, I can show respect to certain people, but it's so hard when you feel they don't respect you, that they walk all over you. 

Anyway, have I made a connection with dreams yet? Well yeah, to hold the key of sorrow in your back pocket when the door of hope is ahead is truly madness. Madness makes the assumption of true happiness and happiness is a dream, following the dreams? I wouldn't want to follow my dreams in the sense of being obsessed with it because if you were that obsessed to begin with there would be no need for dreams. Right?

Not a good day.

I don't want to mask or pretend. Today is not a good day. Just "one of those days" I feel sad. But I guess it's okay to feel sad. Life can't be a party. But I do deserve to be happy. I am worthy of happiness. The past is in stone the future Spurs on.

So what now? Really what now? I keep on moving forward. I can move forward and want to move forward. I guess I'm sad because I miss Kimmi, I am lonely without her. I also miss people from my past, a lot. But things are in place for a reason and I must respect their wishes and "watch on" a root for them

I actually feel pleased to see the person I miss doing so well in life, it is comforting to know they have their happy ending and a full life a head, it actually makes me smile. I guess if they were a junkie or a sleep around I would have to say no you know what I'm not going to let you ruin your life, I know we have rules in place but I'm not letting you do this. I guess I'm just too loyal, even if I am a bit sad now and then it's okay, many happy days will come ahead, like seeing Kim on Sunday or holding Mila or my next driving lesson. I can make it through.

You know my problem was I used to and still do to a point say what's on my mind too much. Like If I went to a funeral of someone I hate I would say he or she is an arsehole. Well I would have, I'd post digs at certain people online I used to do that. I found my old Facebook and the way I used to speak and act like I was some kind of a rockstar was crazy, I was just a silly little boy. If you are reading this from my old 'famous' Facebook I am sorry, I'm sorry for being a cunt. But that's the past. Can't change it, can't shake it and can't fuck it, well you can, fuck the past but keep the knowledge. The pain of how you felt. And the happiness.

I feel better now so I will stop writing, have a wonderful weekend 

Fuckers.

Update I came crawling back

Please please take me back blogger I'm sorry that I needed space... Enough of that! Hi blog spot you fucker? Miss me? My time out only lasted what a week? Haha well have I got news for you? It is 5-33 in the morning and I am tired and I need to be up at 9 to leave for DBT, library, doctors to get meds and take back some overly priced clothes that are well, shit? 

But I came on here to address something well I've already done it, I wrote a poem of some fucked up sort, I don't know exactly why I decided to get up out of my bed and lay on my couch in the living room at this time in the morning with panellope (she's my e cig, well you think of a better fucking name?!) anyhoo I did and well I done it because i well have came a long way and I can feel myself growing as a person. It's fucked up, if my parents or friends or Kimmi doesn't text me back within five minutes I automatically assume they hate me? Mental huh, but I'm working on that and well recently thanks to DBT I have learned to question my whacky idea's that they are all going to fucking leave me. I say to that son bitch Stevie, Steven listen they could be taking a shit, well not exactly that but it's understable they are busy.... I could say a lot more but that's enough DBT talk for now

Yesterday or the day before, Tuesday.. Yes that's it I drove a car. I done my first driving lesson and guess what it was so easy, I found the bite and by my third try I got the hang of it. I made turns, had hazards (old woman with her ugly yappy dog) and well rain? I won't lie the only thing that was of concern was my eye sight. I JUST just was able to read the license plate number. So any other issues I'm going to get stronger lenses. Kimmi is visiting her family in Ayrshire and I have the house to myself. I've been recklessly watching bates motel on Netflix and it's amazing!!!! My lists to watch is continueing breaking bad, walking dead, life below zero and only fools and horses. My new thing on YouTube is to listen to fucked up haunted storys before bed and watch abandoned buildings on YouTube that's fun. Also to do list is to read up on dog training and practise my mindfulness mediation. I tried relaxing music on Spotify but I couldn't sleep because of it and my awesome poem thingy. Oh I went to the football on Tuesday night, it was cold very cold, hibs were losing so I left at halftime and got the bus to the city centre and spoke in polish to a Burger King worker.. Well I said thanks in polish and that made him a happy bee... 

Probably going to take another break from blogger (sorry blogger it's not you its me, well it is you I'm amazing) lol.. Wtf? Am a talking tae Ma sel noo? (Bit of scots for you) but my next driving lesson with Gavin is on the 25th looking forward to that. My dream is to take Mila in the back of the car to the beach with Jack and travel to the highlands (where they speak Scottish Gaelic and i don't speak Scottish Gaelic by the way it's like old Norwegian or some shit) with Kimmi and camp with an open fire and midges (Google midges) biting us.. So with all that said and wrote

Bye!

Fuckers.

Red

Top by the way, red top

I thought of this just before I went to sleep, enjoy

The future is now and you have to let go of the past. The future is in the next minute as you take a glass of cola and gulp it all down. As you look at your dirty nails holding your over expensive smart phone wondering what could have been if you set out with a smile in the morning. The past is to provide you with the tools you need in life to succeed, to learn is a gift not a trait. To love and respect the space of the followers of your values is meaningless without that respect. Picking up a leaf in the cold sky's of Autumn and planting a sead in the summer is life's true gift. Taking a photograph while screaming at the top of your lungs for hope, for kindness and for love. In the name of sanity pass not one single vanity of life's true gift. And that gift? To know ones self. Sadly, i struggle with that one. How does one define knowing one and how do you define oneselve. I used to be just like you, I used to rely on people to tell me what my dreams were.. When they were staring at me in the face... Just a happy life. To take nothing for granted. To love my family and friends and one day children. A poetic justice or a tale of peace? You decide, you fucker.

Bye

Fuckers.