Nerves are kicking in.

So I'm not sure if I'm starting college this week or not. I know I'm to be in today at half eleven to talk about the course and what I want from it. But I'm so nervous for it. Like oh my god. I don't even know why. I have my idea's I guess it's normal to be nervous. Truth is I don't want to let myself or anyone down. I feel pressure defintley. I've been thinking all day how lucky I am to get free education in this country when England needs to pay for their education... I'm just going to go in with the best level head. I can't even sleep right now because of the nerves. I know I don't really have anything to worry about. My mouth is so dry haha! Oh well wish me luck please. Good luck Steven :) going to try and get some sleep now and won't let the nerves win. 

Bad news.

Yeah... my blogger app on my phone won't let me post anything... so I am on the site of blogger on my phone not being able to see what I am typing oh ! Now I can because it's a new..... I can't see again I was going to say a new sentence... and now I can see. Blogger, google you suck! So I am not being anti social... I am just trying to figure out how to update this thing.... I really can't believe dbt finishes for me in December.... Christmas is coming fast.. people don't know it. But we have been saving for Christmas... I have money and religiously (what does that even mean in this context) have put money away into it and well Christmas is sorted... just need to buy the presents... I have people in mind. I want to buy presents to show people I care and think of them. I hate when people refuse a present it's now about me it's about you. I do it to show I care... or the old fake line you shouldn't have.. no one ever means that you are happy you got a present. But you shouldn't be happy you got a present you should be happy that the person thought about you.. another reason I hate when people use money as a gift. No thought just a rush... I hate money by the way. Imagine a world without it. I dislike how people get so drunk at Christmas. Next time you go to the the shops look into people's basket or trolleys it's just booze booze booze. Oh well. I just like seeing people happy... I'm thinking of giving up drinking. People say you have to love yourself but how is getting so drunk loving your self? Or even a drop to feel merry? You get a buzz and aren't true to yourself. Maybe I should have a drink at Christmas and special events.. just to show others I care.. it breaks the awkward silence too... that's a good thing... driving is coming along well... I'm starting round abouts next week. Getting passports in January should be fun fun fun.. going to go now. Bye


Fuckers

DBT, Meditation, giving hope and a stranger on the bus.

Forgive me for not being on my blogger for so long. The app I use on my iPhone keeps crashing and well I wanted to make a memory of today's events and look back on them as why I joined blogger in the first place LOL!

Anyway I went with Kim to her appointment. She is on the path to being where she wants to be. Which I will fully support her on that. Of course I will. We then went to a relaxation group and were doing mindfulness and meditation. This was Kim's first meditation and she said she enjoyed it. So I was happy for her to feel calm and at ease and also feel good about herself. I told her 'can you see why a do it now?!'

So we had a day ticket and could travel all around the lothians with this ticket so we did. I was talking to her and telling her she done well in the relaxation group. She said you must be so used to it with your dbt. And this random girl sitting near us asked if I was in dbt and had EUMD (BPD to you lovely North Americans) I answered her questions and tried to give her the best advice I could. I said stuff like "listen it will be hard you will want to give up and walk away but just keep paying attention keep doing your work, keep listening and be honest. Don't lie about anything in group and I promise you it will just click... " it did for me. She told me she is a new mum and is scared I tried my best to calm her and shook her hand.... I feel so lucky to have came through dbt ... I've done well. I end it on the 15th of Dec.... and see my one to one worker weekly then monthly .. and that's it... of course I'm scared of course I will cry.. but the thing is dbt was never to make friends or chat or whatever.. it was to make me better.. it has that only purpose and I've done it I am much better... I'm scared of slipping into old ways. It's natural. It would be weird if I wasn't... I'm just staying in the present .... don't think of my past learn from it.. the future? How can I focus on my future if I'm not focusing on the present to build towards it?

" I want happiness" remove I that is ego, remove want that's desire... happiness is free now"

I should really update this thing more often but this was just a wee post take remind ma self that I done something nice today. I felt good after words I could see the fear in her eyes... I had that fear but I was just honest to her. I didn't catch her name but I wish her all the luck in the world with her little family and her own path. Good luck buddie.. who knows I might see you when I leave in Dec :)


Blah blah blah


Night

Fuckers.

Ps sold my Xbox for £85 on eBay when in person a store was gonna offer me £35 for it all

What
A
Fucking
Kill.

Thanks mum, Kimmi and Sean for young the price ;)

Bored.

Meh. 

Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored. Booooooooored....

Blogpost of the year yayyyy

Mila's big adventure.

So Andrew, Kirsty and Mila are in Austrailia right now and my mum decided to send me some pictures of Mila enjoying herself in Austrailia

Mila had a little acceident so she had to get a cast. But she's not letting that effect her, she's having a blast and it's brillaint to see.

My favourite picture, she loves watermelon lol!

She loves her mini mouse :)

Mila and Mummy!

Can't wait to see her next week! So proud at how brave she has been she's a real inspiration! Love my little niece.

Damn.

Wanting to go on holiday with Kim, flights are £130 (good) train is £30 all together (amazing) but hotel is like £600?! What the hell?! How can they do that? I bet when we actually arrive the prices will be lower.. They are wanting 85 a night...... In Edinburgh you get bed and breakfasts for like 25 a night... How can they justify that? This place is amazing but it's not a capital.... Then there's spending money, say £500/£600 and this place isn't even warm LOL!  Oh well it will be a journey. Obviously keeping tight lipt about where it is.... (Haha kimmi you won't find out;) ) anyway good morning everyone it's 6 am and I have DBT and I'm excited. Well not really.... Haven't been meditating for ages now. I get guilty at myself... Kims away visiting her mum and dad in Ayrshire. I almost killed myself last night.... You see I have had the windows open because of the heat... So a nice big daddy long legs comes flying in and starts attacking my light bulb.... I spray it with spray killer. Sprayed far too fucking much. Couldn't breathe had to run out that room . Anyway I got a pillow and breathed into that over my nose and mouth and opened the living room window wider with the lights off... So I woke up had a nice dream about traveling and thought I would google prices on it.., trivago is a lot of shite.. Maybe we can just go. For three days instead of seven... Hmmm... But that's no fun. Three days isnae long enough. Fuck it il do it. I've always wanted to go there anyway :)

By the way. I have. Bone to pick with DBT. I've been told not to be judgemental and ignorant so I was speaking to someone two nights ago.. I can't really say too much info but basically he was being ignorant of other people's skills and I told him to stop being so judgemental and ignorant of other people. There are always going to be people higher then you. And you'll always be higher then some people. Like my mental health for example. It's bad at times we'll certainly improved over the years. And I can be bad at times (no ones perfect) but there will be someone out there with the same conditions as me but they could be one hundred times worse. Judging is so easy. I hate

Myself for judging too much. I mean we all judge but sometimes we do it too much don't we. I used to be really bad with judgements... Like oh my god... Anyway I need a hot shower and warm cup of coffee I hope my milk is in date. Fuck if it isn't. Have a nice day have a picture 

What winning The Scottish Cup meant to me.

So here is the deal, you do not have to have an interest in football to find this story interesting. you just have to believe in Faith. the 21st of May 2016 changed my life forever. Not only me but Kimmi's, My mother's life  & My brothers lives. It is so hard to describe how i felt.

Well the night before i couldn't sleep, I wasn't nervous but excited but yet a sense of calmness came over me, i was not confident because if you have read my previous post, my team Hibernian had not won the Cup since the year 1902, 114 years, My team hibs for short had been in ten previous cup finals and had lost them all. they are one of the biggest clubs in Scotland, Winning the league in the 50's beating european 'BIG' teams, Winning the league cup, a smaller cup to the Scottish Cup...

To tell you this story you need to listen to Hibernian's roots, Hibs were created to bridge the gap between the Scottish and Irish, The irish came over to Edinburgh for a better life, they were starving and cold, they had no food, there was a place in Edinburgh Called The Cowgate, Little Ireland for short because so Many irish had stayed there, Including my own family when they first came to Scotland. So Hibernian (the roman name for Ireland) were formed in the year 1875. Folowing the years due to Hibernians irish herritage a local gypsy was NOT happy when the club decided to remove the Harp from the main stand and said "You will never win the Scottish cup ever again until the harp is restored on the main stand" she was angry because she felt we had turned our back on our heritage, down the years hibs have changed there badge, from a harp to a crown to a weird booze badge and to our current badge, the harp,ship and castle, the badge was placed on the main stand a few months before may the 21st, and look what happened....

So i have been to the last Scottish Cup final against a team called Celtic (selltick) we lost 3-0... not a good day, i had seen hibs lose to our arch rivals in the scottish cup final 5-1 ... again not a good day... but this time, i did not even think of the harp back on the stand, hibs had already bet rangers twice this season, they were nothing special.... the game

The Game, in the first three minutes hibs had scored, i don't know why but i thought it was a defender who ran and ran then scored.... i was just praying we could hold on and then... Rangers Scored to make it 1-1... well if we can go to penaltys who knows i remember thinking.... then they scored again, a wonder goal. I held kims hand as soon as it went in, sad, down, angry...I thought same old, same old, pay £50 for tickets and £40 train fair and fan stuff... kim told me when the second goal went in she thought about telling me i am not going to bother ever coming to the games again... then out of no where we got a corner, we scored ?! holy shit it is the defender again LOL? no it wasn't but i remember when the corner was taken, i prayed to my grandad " Please grandad, please just one goal, please" we had scored it was 2-2!!!!

Then in the last couple of minutes in the game BOOM, 114 years of pain, hurt, sadness, anger had just vanished.... gone, my grand parents were not even alive to see it, people had been living for 100 years and had not seen it... i remember we got the corner and thought again " Right grandad, i know i asked before, please, i will never pray asking for anything ever again, please just let this go in" it went in!!! I fell to my knees, i was crying, i was shaking, i could not believe what i had seen, all those years getting kicked in the balls, getting made fun off... i couldn't believe it... we had won

Then about 5 thousand hibs fan invaded the pitch with pure glee, kissing the ground, stealing the pitch turf... this is something i will never feel again, something kim said and i qoute" Im not even a football fan but what i felt nothing can ever compare to it" hibs could win the cup next year and it would be great but it would be nothing compared to winning it for the first time in 114 years....


I will post a few videos, enjoy them,

"Hibs have won the scottish cup"

POV from the Rangers end of the hibs fans going CRAZY! (favourite video)

It wasn't just a game of football, it was more then that, it was pure happiness........