First day.

So today was my first day of DBT and yes it was scary and yes I am still confused at what I should be learning and yes it is really hard. Thank god I am seeing Joanne tomorrow. I kinda felt i didn't need to be there and it was a waste of time and I'm too stupid to learn this stuff but I know it's my avoiding behaviour talking.... I've been giving homework to do so i will try and make sense of that.... I hope I can get this stuff..I am sure I will :)

New Start.

So today is my first session of DBT. Nervous but you know that is normal. Not sure what to expect... I'm standing waiting on the bus thinking I wish I could drive. I need to start my lessons soon! Oh god here comes the bus !!! Bye for now 

Fuckers

Our Christmas present.

So me and Kimmi got our Christmas present from Kims brother Sean and his girlfriend Shannon. It is a really special gift to us.

As you know Kimmi and I lost our pet rats Bailey and Nason last September. They were our pets of three years. We loved them and still miss them, the house still feels lonely without them.. Anyway, Sean and Shannon are artists. In fact they are fantastic artists. And well a picture says a million words...

For now they are where they're cage used to be and its lovely to look at them and remember them... But soon they will be high up on our wall. God bless wee beautiful laddies. X 

Thanks again Sean and Shannon x 

2000 tv channels and a diary?

Hello blogger land. How are you?

Right now I am watching tv, my favourite tv channel CI... Crime and investigation. I like it :) so basically I have 2000 to channels from all over the world. From uk, Russia, America, France, Norway, turkey, Sweden, Italy and Germany and many more... This is what I sent to Sean, Kimmi's brother cause' I want to help him get it for himself... So it's a copy in paste. If you want it leave a comment and I will get in touch with you here we go listen very carefully "The tv I have has an app called smart iptv which acts as a media player in a way. What you do is you upload your tele's MAC address which is basically like an IP address of the tv. To the smart iptv website.. So you can send information to your tv from your pc/laptop... What is the information? Codes, urls and names. So I'm sending streaming codes to my tv. I upload a m3u file which has been sent to me by a streaming provider which gives

Me 2000 channels. From the U.K., France, USA, Sweden, turkey and oddly Romania and Germany. What are the channels? All British, Italian and German sky channels. Yes some are not perfect but the provider will fix the buffering or sticking. Instead of paying a huge sky bill of £80 a month I pay £11 a month of £66 a year... They also unlock all the premium channels like sports and movie channels. Most in HD aswell. It's amazing." Here are a few pictures..

So that's it. Yes you can google search the URL's yourself, and yes they are easy to find. I'm not going to name the streaming service unless I get a comment.. No need to advertise for them.. So at £11 €15 a month or £66 €90 a year, you can't complain. If a channel is broken they fix it too. In HD aswell... :)

Anyway I am starting my DBT in two weeks, the 21st. I was told today I would be the only male... Very scary. Girls can be bitchy right? But let's get one thing straight I'm not their to make friends. Far from it. I'm their for me and no one else. I have been given a daily diary to fill out and I try and work on the targets. What are the targets? Well for me it would be paranoia, avoidance and anger. So if I'm feeling avoidant or angry or paranoid I write down why. And try and use the skills we learn in DBT to help with that. I score my mood of how I was feeling (no I will not share this on blogger) and show it to Joanne and the group. We then talk about how we were. It is once a week. For six months. Then after six months we restart the course again... I am so grateful and very very very lucky to be getting this help: there are only two places that offer DBT in Scotland, Midlothian and Fife. I can not fuck this up. Even though in my head and heart I'm screaming don't go, don't do this, request to be taken off the list, lie and say you're too sick and you're moving away, Worrying I might fancy someone the group.. Worrying I will dump Kim, pushing Kim, family away, what if I argue with a member... The old me from years ago would have believed this and just gave up... But I now know that it is avoidance behaviour because I am scared. But the first meeting is always the worst. I will be fine. I bet they don't even give a shit what I say or feel because they are they're to get better. Basically any excuse, like what if I miss a bus and I'm late and they hate me. Or what if Isis blow the place up. I will worry about... It's avoidance. So now I know my feelings. And I will talk about them. I guess I've grew up and recognised my feelings... Here is the diary (blank) 

And the back... (The skills)...

So... This is a positive towards my goal, my first dream. A life with Kim, my second dream a dog trainer/consultant my other dream I can't really name names.... But my most important dream a child one day. 

Anyway, I was also told to register at this group. They go outings, and do gardening and creative writings, art and you meet other people. It sounds cool. So I will do this:) I will make blogs about that..

I know this might seem a bit odd, but I watched my first hockey game the other day and I liked it! It was so cool .. 

Anyway, that's it for me, thanks for reading:) remember if you need help with that iptv stuff message me:) bye!

Fuckers.

Father

On this day 31st of December, 1954 my father was born. My dad is one of few people I let in my life. I actually trust him with my problems like a son should. He is not perfect and I am not perfect. My father grew up without a mother and a bastard of a father who was an alcoholic and a gambler. He was English and I never knew him. Thank god I never knew him. Why would I want to?

My father was raised by his uncles in a little western Scottish town called Helensbourgh. Yes I am half western Scottish. My dad used to say to me as a child "Steven, the west is the best" meaning the west of Scotland is the best of Scotland. You see Edinburgh is the east coast. It's funny, I never notice his accent. I just think he has a Scottish accent but definitely not an Edinburgh accent. A lot of people from Edinburgh think I am not from Edinburgh because apparently I do not sound like i come from there. Even before I moved to the west of Scotland. But people in the west don't think I come from Edinburgh too. They say I kind of have a east/west coast accent. But not Edinburgh. 

Ask Kimmi, she is from the west and doesn't think I have a strong Edinburgh accent, my brothers, my mother have it. But not me. I guess I have subconsciously listened to my father more then I have listened to my brothers and mother? My father packed his stuff  and moved to France when he was 18, he lived in Marseille. He was a plumber and picked grapes. And actually made them into wine. He also picked oranges.

He then moved to Israel. He got thought how to use a gun for his safety. My father is also a work a holic. He was always working when I was a child. I wouldn't see him as much as I wanted too. He loved black sabbath too. My dads style as a young man would have been a hippie to be honest. He liked Bob Dylan too. When I was younger I was snooping on his stuff a found his marajouna pipe. It was strange because I never knew he smoked until I was 15. He never done it in front of us. He wasn't a big smoker anyway. Probably smoked six a week. He's not a drinker too. I have a can of beer with him at Christmas and toast a whisky together at new year. He likes his whisky at new year.

In all dad, I am happy you are still alive. These past four years have been a rollarcoaster of emotions. You're 61 today. And I am so glad you survived. I am so proud and respect the strength you showed not to let your illness win. You fought for your family when many people would have gave up, because you were in so much pain. Yes you are still getting over the trauma but you done it. You won. That's something they can never take away from you. 

Even now you are trying to help me with my problems and you are one of few who step back and take a look at how I am behaving and say, hold on that's not right. You always look out for me and make sure I am okay. You have helped me become a man. I am proud to call you my father. I used to believe that I wasn't but as soon as I moved out and met certain people, I understood the sacrifices you had made for our family.

Your partner ( my mother) is a catholic and you are Protestant. That says it all really. It's hard in Scottish/British culture for this to happen. But you see love for love, not love for religion. That tells you just what kind of man you are. Love is love.

My mother said to me when she first met you, you had hair so long it was past your arse.... I guess that's where I get my style from LOL!!

You're a world bag pipe champion, you competed alongside your uncle in the championships and won. We all know the reasons why you never taught me and my brothers and that's okay... I still respect you for that....

You're a grandad now and you're a perfect one. One day I will give you another grand daughter or maybe grandson and you will inspire them just how you've inspired me to live.

We are very simmiler, we tell it how it is, we hold nothing back. You possibly a bit more then me... Thank you for what you have done ....

 I love you dad. Happy birthday.

(My dad, far right)

Merry Christmas.

So I'm at mum and dads right now and it's a very English Christmas. Well normally we open our presents In the morning. But since mum was working last night we will open our presents late at night. Like the English do lol

Right now i am watching the movie brave. It's the most Scottish thing I have ever seen. Jacks laying on my feet in front of the fire. Dads asleep on couch lol. It's pretty sad because Andrew is spending Christmas with his family, Richard with his and I'm the only one who's doing it with my mum and dad... People have all grew up... 

Anyway back to this movie. 

My favourite Christmas film::

Watching my favourite Christmas film...

Willie Wonka. The original one not the gay Tim burton one.

This is my child hood right here ...